Your Joyful Order With Leslie Martinez
Ever wish you had your own personal cheerleader or coach in your ear, whispering encouraging words? Telling you how to kick butt in life, plus showing you how to get there? That’s exactly what you’ll get when you tune into Your Joyful Order Podcast. Each week you’ll get a mixture of preaching and teaching from your host Leslie Martinez who is a Certified Life Coach, Business Owner, Wife and Mom. Listen along for some entertaining real talk about life, business and relationships. Leslie wants to help you to reach your goals and motivate you to live out your God given purpose, by bringing you insightful knowledge, resources and sharing some tips and tricks to take action. No topic is off the table here, just know that faith will always be the foundation of our conversations and an occasional kick in the butt might come in the most loving way! Get ready to take your life to the next level and learn how to chase joy!
Your Joyful Order With Leslie Martinez
#103 Healthy Boundaries, Healthier Relationships: With Guest Stacy Echeverria
We explore the often misunderstood significance of healthy boundaries in relationships, discussing their vital role in emotional safety and personal well-being. With insights from counselor Stacy Echeverria, we address common challenges individuals face when establishing boundaries, the importance of communication, recognizing signs of unhealthy dynamics, and strategies for effectively maintaining these boundaries in various contexts, including familial and church settings.
• Understanding what constitutes healthy boundaries
• Importance of self-worth in boundary-setting
• The role of communication in establishing and maintaining boundaries
• Recognizing red flags of unhealthy relationships
• The significance of boundaries in church environments
• Strategies for creating boundaries within family dynamics
• The necessity of self-awareness in establishing boundaries
• Resources and literature for further exploration of boundaries
Connect with Stacy:
Website: https://www.trueyouministries.com
Email: info@trueyouministries.com
YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@TrueYou2023
Book a FREE 20 minute consultation with Stacy via her email!
Connect with Leslie:
Follow on IG: @yourjoyfulorderstyle
Website: https://www.yourjoyfulorder.com/
Email: lmartinez@yourjoyfulorder.com
to schedule- Speaking Events, Interviews or Life Coaching Sessions
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Watch this Episode on You Tube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCsXoAYIM2mfclNtYiaOzIUw
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https://a.co/d/09Djvaw
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Welcome back to another episode of your Joyful Order podcast. On today's episode, we are diving into our boundary series. Now I want you to ever think of. You have ever found yourself just feeling drained, resentful or struggling to maintain healthy connection in your relationships? If so, this episode is for you. We are diving into a crucial topic, which is creating healthy boundaries in relationships. Boundaries aren't just about building walls. They are about creating a framework that fosters respect, trust and emotional well-being. To help us navigate this conversation, I have an amazing guest, so stay tuned for this episode.
Speaker 1:Hey everyone, I'm Leslie Martinez and you're listening to your Joyful Order podcast. Each week, I will bring you joyful stories that will motivate and inspire you and, at the same time, bring order to your everyday life. Let's just say the show will be a mixture of preaching and teaching, with a kick of motivation from your girl here. Welcome to your Joyful Order podcast. I am so excited for my guest today. Stacey Echeveda is a experienced counselor who has dedicated over 15 years to helping individuals and couples find hope, healing and freedom. She is a licensed pastoral counselor with a master's in clinical Christian counseling, and she is passionate about helping people take the first steps towards meaningful change in their relationships. So, stacey, welcome to the podcast.
Speaker 2:Oh, thank you so much for having me, Leslie. I'm happy to be here.
Speaker 1:Honestly, I am so excited to have you. I have been waiting for someone just with your knowledge, your wisdom, your education to have on the podcast to talk about a really kind of challenging topic here, and we're talking about healthy boundaries. And one of the most common struggles that people face in relationships whether it be romantic, family, friendships or even work relationships is setting and maintaining healthy boundaries. And we know that boundaries are essential for your emotional and just relational well-being and health, right? But so many people struggle with it and they just don't know how to establish because, like, they may feel guilty out of creating boundaries. So, as someone who has helped individuals navigate through you know, through all of this, like couples and individuals I just want to dive into this topic with you. So let's just start with the basics what exactly are healthy boundaries and why are they so important to relationships? Right, that's a great question.
Speaker 2:So boundaries are essential to provide safety in a relationship, whether it's a romantic relationship, a friendship, a work relationship, you know, professional one, even in school if you're a student. It is really about safety. It tells the other person this is where I end and you begin. And I look at boundaries and this is an example that I always give you know, my clients and I'll tell them look, you have a fence around your yard. Right, it goes all the way around your yard. It tells people whether or not they can cross over that boundary or not.
Speaker 2:Right, if there aren't any boundaries, what's missing in the relationship is respect, and respect is acknowledging that someone has worth and value. If you are an individual that crosses boundaries all the time, essentially what you're saying to that person is that they don't have any worth or value and you really don't care about them. And it really comes down to that. And why are boundaries so hard to establish? Is because we've not been taught the value of boundaries. There's fear around establishing I like what you said where people feel guilty, right. The other thing is that people are afraid to set boundaries because they're afraid that they're going to be rejected when they do so.
Speaker 1:That's so good, stacey. That's like a stab to the heart right now. Yes, that is so good and rejection is really hard to accept. Right, you think, okay, I need this boundary with this person, you establish it and then that person rejects you and, like I say, it's kind of like a stab to the heart because that's something that, like I've experienced. I set a really hard boundary with the relationship with my father and it's been like 18 years of rejection, basically. You know. So I have lived through that most definitely and it did a lot of. It came out of like a lack of respect and just kind of trying to accept something that was never going to be, you know. So I love how you said that it provides boundaries, provides safety, and can you just kind of go into that a little bit? Like I know that many people struggle with boundaries because of that fear of conflict or rejection, like you said, how can someone kind of overcome that fear to realize that you have to get past that in order to provide safety for yourself, right?
Speaker 2:So while look Proverbs 4.23, it says above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it. And so this verse particularly highlights the importance of protecting your heart and emotional well-being, serving as a foundation for setting boundaries. And so here's the thing it really comes back to how does the individual view themselves? Do they think they're not worth having boundaries? Do they think they're not worth having safety in their lives? So it comes down to that.
Speaker 2:I do a lot of work with my clients around their false beliefs. So there's a false belief that says if I set a boundary, I will be rejected. If I set a boundary, I won't be accepted. If I set a boundary, I won't be accepted. If I set a boundary, I won't have relationship in my life. Well, that's a lie from the pit of hell. It's very clear that, in order for us to have healthy boundaries and healthy relationships, excuse me is to know what our value is in Christ, first and foremost. So there's an identity issue here, and if we don't know who we are in him, well you know, there's issues around that. So how do we get past right the fear of setting boundaries?
Speaker 2:I want to take it to this example here with regard to those listeners and people that are watching. If you are a parent and you, when you remember when you had young kids, and when you remember when you had young kids right, and you set boundaries for them, it's because you love them and you wanted them to be safe. You didn't want them getting hurt. Yes, you didn't want them running out into the street. God forbid getting hit by a car. Get past the fear of what you think might happen and really get to reality and what is going to happen.
Speaker 2:If you don't, you will be abused, you will be taken advantage of, you will not be cared for, you will not be loved. Right? Are those the things you want in your life? So you have to get past that and go. If I want to be in healthy relationships, people need to know what I am okay with and what I am not okay with, and then you have to figure out well, what are those things right? So you identify your limits right, and I think about people that have been physically abused, whether it's, you know, a domestic violence situation or even sexual abuse. For them, a healthy boundary may be, as they are going through their own healing process, is they don't want anyone touching them. They don't want anyone hugging them and that is okay. So I want to speak to that really quick. In the church environment we have a tendency to be huggy right With people we don't know, hey, I think just Latino families in general too, like certain cultures.
Speaker 1:Right, you can't leave your family event without hugging and kissing like every Theo and Thea. Right, right, right, exactly.
Speaker 2:But there are people in church that you don't know, that you're meeting for the first time and you immediately want to give them a hug and the thing of it is I would caution you in that. I think it's a beautiful thing that you have that warmth and you want to love on people, but we don't know their story and their personal boundary may be a handshake is as far as they can go, because a touch in their experience was harmful, was hurtful, was painful, right. So there's those physical boundaries that we have to be aware of other people.
Speaker 2:Also too, if you're not comfortable with certain things. I also think about how your people are spoken to. If you're in a relationship where you're being belittled, you're being degraded, you're being criticized, you're being made fun of, there's emotional boundaries that need to happen as well and you get to say no to those things. And I a lot of the time with with women and I work a lot with betrayed spouses, when the husbands the husbands are the ones that are struggling with sex addiction and I would talk with them about a safety plan and it's all about the boundaries, and they have a hard time with that. But here's the thing I say to them does Jesus treat you that way, the way your husband's treating you? Why would you allow that behavior to continue?
Speaker 1:That's so good, Stacey yeah.
Speaker 2:You know why would you allow anyone to treat you that way? It's not okay. No, we cannot control what someone else is doing, but we can certainly be empowered to stand up for ourselves and say this really isn't okay for me.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you know, one of the things, just as you're saying right now, it just made me think, like, kind of going back to the whole hug things, right, like I said, there's certain cultures that we're just huggers. Myself, like I typically am a big hugger, you know, I love to hug people and I'm just a very like, warm, welcoming person and people. We don't know the stories and backgrounds of what people have experienced, right, and as I am trying to learn more about human interaction, human relationships, human emotions, one of the things that I have become a little bit more sensitive to is this concept of more of leaning towards wonder rather than being judgmental right.
Speaker 1:So how people respond to certain things, like if I were to go and give someone a hug and they're just like, no, like, rather than me taking offense and be like, oh what, what's up with her? Like, why is she, you know, right to lean more on the side of wonder, of wow, I wonder what she has gone through that she that you know she doesn't hug, like I wonder what she is going through right now. I wonder what challenges she has experienced. I wonder if maybe, you know, maybe I did do something or say something that she didn't feel comfortable with me, and that is something that I learned through a book, the Emotionally Healthy in Spirituality book in lean more towards wonder rather than judgmental about it or feeling a sense of rejection, and I think that's important for people to know.
Speaker 1:Like, we don't know the backgrounds of everyone, and just because I'm a hugger and I'm like a warm person, there's other people that aren't necessarily like that, because there is trauma that has gone through, you know. Yeah, especially in church communities too, right, like one of my old pastors, she used to say that churches are basically hospitals for sick people. Yes, they are places where people come because they are hurting.
Speaker 1:They have experienced trauma, they've experienced hurt, they've experienced loss, they've experienced grief.
Speaker 1:So, it is a like emotional spiritual hospital where people come. So we have to know that there are people in churches I mean, there's people everywhere but particularly like we're talking about in the church. There are broken people there we don't know. And I have led community groups and stuff for so many years like over 20 years I've led community groups in all of my churches and that is something that I've had to learn Like once you gain that trust with someone, then they begin to kind of open up and then you learn their story and you hear their background. Sometimes I was like the Lord to hear what some of these people have gone through. It's allowed me to just have a little bit more compassion towards people. Now, kind of going back to the whole like boundaries and stuff, I want us to kind of touch a little bit about kind of some red flags that we might see. Like how do you recognize when specific relationships lack healthy boundaries? What are those warning signs that you might be in relationship that is lacking boundaries?
Speaker 2:Right, All right. So there's several different areas that I'd like to relationship that is lacking boundaries, right, all right. So there's several different areas that I'd like to just touch on really quick. Let's just talk about the physical boundaries, right? So I love that. You said you know to approach with wonder what I tell my clients is to move toward curiosity right Be curious.
Speaker 2:Ask those questions, right, because it isn't about you, it's about them. There's something going on over there. So a red flag around the physical is you know, is someone invading my personal space or are they disregarding my preferences? And it might be the one time. So if it's one time, it may be that you know, they don't know, but if you've told them and they continue to do that over and over and over again, that's a red flag. They're dismissive of it, they don't take it seriously. That is a problem. So that's in the physical, in the emotional arena, you know, do you feel emotionally supported or dismissed? Again, that dismissiveness. Are you comfortable sharing your thoughts and feelings? If you don't feel comfortable, right, that is an issue. Again, it's once you've communicated, hey, you know, I really don't like it when you insult me or belittle me and I know you say you're joking around, but it's really hurtful to me and they continue to do so. The red flag in the mental boundaries, right. Is there a person that's trying to influence your thoughts or decisions in a way that feels manipulative? That could be a red flag. Again. If it's a one-off and you have shared with them, hey, I really don't like it when this happens and they continue to do it. Or you're not allowed to express your opinions, right? Or you do express your opinions, but you feel judged by doing so. So that's a red flag In the arena of time, right?
Speaker 2:So we don't think about time as a boundary, but time we have to put boundaries around time. Do you have enough time for yourself and your priorities, right? Are you being pressured to give more time or energy than you're comfortable with? I'll tell you where this happens the most. It's in the church arena, right, where the same people get asked over and over and over again. Hey, you know, someone didn't show up to usher, or someone didn't show up to greet, or they didn't show up for hospitality. Oh, you know, would you mind stepping in? Well, that's a lack of consideration of someone's boundaries, of their time, right? If you are always serving, when are you just allowed to be and receive, right? Ministry in and of itself is a good thing, but if it's not the right thing at that time, it ends up creating a lot of resentment in an individual and then they never want to serve ever again.
Speaker 1:I am so glad that you brought this up, because this is a. This is like a very kind of touchy subject.
Speaker 2:It is.
Speaker 1:And it's one that I don't like. Like I've been in ministry for 24 years, right, and I have been full on. I mean, I've worked full time in ministry, I've been active in my churches and like in and out community groups, leading all of this, and for probably the first like 17 years of me being in ministry, I just gave and gave and gave so much that I felt that I was being taken advantage of. I, I, I got overwhelmed, I got burnt out, um, so much that I quit my job full time in ministry because of it. And and like I don't, I really don't want to blame anyone other than myself, because I was naive and not creating boundaries, and I kind of felt that the more I gave to the church and it wasn't so much giving to church, it's like I'm giving to God, and I don't want to say that like you have to create boundaries around God, like that's not it, but you have to create boundaries around your relationship with the church. And it was.
Speaker 1:It took a long time for me to get there, but it took to where I got burnt out and all it took was for me to say no, that's all it took. It is no blame on any of those people. But I just was like yes, yes, okay, sure, what do you need? Yes, okay, sure, what do you need? Like and I see that so many times in the church, having been involved in the church, and one of the things that many pastors preach is like for new believers that when you're coming in, just give us one year, give on one year, right, and God, one year right, and that one year you see those people going all in. They are at church 24-7. Every community group, every place that they can volunteer, they're out, they're doing outreach, they're doing prayer, they're doing children's, they're leaving three or four groups and it's like I'm here and then by the end of the year they're completely wiped out and we don't see them ever again.
Speaker 2:Right, and that's a problem. Yes, that is a major, major problem.
Speaker 1:Can you just touch about, like how to those boundaries within the church? Yeah, let me. Let me talk about that a little bit.
Speaker 2:I'm going to just share a little bit of my own story, in that when I first came to know the Lord and then I started serving in the church and I was that person that people will come out to. Oh, oh, you know, stacey, you know so-and-so didn't show up, and I'm thinking, and is that my problem? You know it's not my problem, but but you know can, can you just help out? So it was like 12 Sundays running where someone's not showing up. Now, why am I responsible for that?
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:You know it's unfair. So there was that. I started to feel a little upset by it. But my question to you, leslie, even to myself and even to others who keep saying yes why are you saying yes? What is driving that? So there's a lot of things that could be going on there.
Speaker 2:Some people may have a belief system that says my worth and value is in my performance. So it's a performance oriented issue here. So you've gotta you've gotta go to the word and see what the word says about all of that, right, um, oh, oh, you know, well, know you like the attention of it? That could be another reason, right? You know you yourself don't have healthy boundaries either when you keep saying yes, right, so when we keep saying yes, it's oh, is it because you know I want to be acknowledged, or I want the attention, or there could be a number of different things going on.
Speaker 2:I think it is a disservice to individuals that are new to the church, who are new to the faith, to say you know, give me one year. What I say to those new believers is you need to be discerning as to where God is leading you. You need to be discerning as to where God is leading you. It is perfectly okay to come to church every Sunday or Wednesday or both and sit and receive, soak it up like a sponge. It's okay to do that and let the Lord show you where it is that he wants you to serve.
Speaker 2:It's not going to be in everything. It's where you're called and that's where you go. No one else can speak into that right. They might acknowledge certain talents that you have or giftings and stuff like that, but it really is about are you listening to the Lord, are you hearing from him, and then are you doing what he's telling you to do? Okay, so for me, being in the ministry that I am in in my own business in counseling you know the clients that I have I have zero desire to then be in the church and serve in some sort of ministry at church. Why? Because I'm already in ministry, I'm already doing it, and the church isn't a building, it's the people.
Speaker 1:Yes, yes.
Speaker 2:Right so.
Speaker 1:I serve.
Speaker 2:I serve in my community as well. With my neighbors. I have friendships. There are people in my community that don't know him Well. I strike up friendships with people. I know people's names and I talk with them and I try to be encouraging To me when we think about ministry, ministry is wherever you happen to be going You're at the bank, you're at the school, you're at the market, you're at the gas station there's opportunities to be encouraging to someone and show the light to them, the light of the world to them. So with that, for anyone that may be watching or listening, if you're feeling guilty about not serving, I really want you to not be under that. Don't be under that anymore. The Lord does not put that over you. That's Satan that's doing that. You just really need to be very close to the Lord and asking him prayerfully every day. Right, lord, where?
Speaker 1:do you want me to serve?
Speaker 2:He'll let you know, and he'll let you know the timing of it. So I hope that answered that question. Yes, no, that's so good.
Speaker 1:Now, one of the things that you were kind of touching upon with that and I just want to add to that and this going back, because when you said like upon with that and I just want to add to that and this going back, because when you said, like what, what is the underlining reason for that as, like, is it because you are, you find your worth in performance, you're in value and stuff, and I know, going back, for me, like it, it was all of that. Yes, I wanted to please people. It was found my worth in performance, right, cause I was just a goal getter and just constantly doing, doing, doing. And then I started. You know, I've learned beyond that, like I've gotten past and know that my value is not in my performance, my value is in Christ, right, like.
Speaker 1:I think one thing also and this is just having been in the church for so long is that it's not only that people like find for so long, is that it's not only that people like find, hey, I'm valued here, I have a worth here, and they want to be here like all the time, right, right.
Speaker 1:But in a sense also they are avoiding their reality. They are avoiding what is at home there is chaos, there is a mess at home, and being at church is their safe place, which as it should be right, as it should be, and they want to be there 24-7 because they want to avoid the reality of facing what is being, you know, experienced at home. So it's like, oh, let me just be here, which you know. I kind of always teeter back and forth with that. It's like, yes, maybe you're safe place and I get while you are here. However, you still have to face your reality and fix that. You know, whatever that is, you're in a, in a you know bad marriage or something, and you are just always here being at church and you're avoiding that situation, right, I saw that a lot I was going to.
Speaker 2:I was going to tag onto that, and that is, yes, there may be something going on at home that they're wanting to avoid. The other, the other side of that is they're they're running away from going towards something right. They're avoiding, and the thing is, the thing that they might be avoiding is themselves because they're avoiding. There's all this. Maybe they're not even aware of it. They might be sensing it or feeling it. There's all this yuck inside of me that needs healing, but they don't know how to take that step in getting that healing, or maybe they're not ready for it yet. So, instead of feeling badly about that, well, this is what makes me feel good here about myself. Eventually, all that's going to catch up and you're going to have to deal with it one way or another, so you better do it sooner rather than later.
Speaker 1:Yes, no, that's so good, stacey. Okay, now going back a little bit to boundaries, because I want to ask this question, because I think this is a very valuable one. Some people really think that boundaries are just a way of being harsh or selfish. They look at boundaries like, no, that's just being selfish. Like you know, god called us to be out and serve others and be loving and graceful and forgiving to people. So they look at boundaries as just that doesn't seem godly right. So how can we reframe our thinking on boundaries and act? Look at it as more of an act of love and respect?
Speaker 2:Right. I like that, looking at it as an act of love and respect for self, for self Right, isn't it? Isn't it at the others? At this point, it's about self. The boundary is for you. So I'm going to put it in this way when you say yes to everything and you eventually get to a point where you're experiencing burnout, you're no good to anyone at that point and you can't do anything and and so saying no. So there's a couple of things going on with that. So I got very comfortable with that, with that word no, I felt he did.
Speaker 2:It's's a very powerful word. That word allows you to do what the Lord has called you to do. Nothing more, nothing less, right? We have to keep in mind that who we are is not what we do. Who we are is what the Lord says. That's who we are. That never changes. Who he says we are is who he says we are. That never changes. There's nothing we can do. Do in our doing that will ever change that right. But when we say yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, what we're also doing is we're taking away opportunities from other people in the church that are called to everything you're saying yes to and you're taking that away from them to serve in the church because all the positions are filled. That would be selfish, I would say.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:The selflessness is knowing what your limits are, what you are called to and doing that.
Speaker 1:That's so good. I am writing down like so much Stacey, hold on, I got to catch up here. I'm like, oh my gosh, this is so good. I mean I know I can come back and rewatch this, but my goodness, you are hitting so many good things right now and, knowing your limits, I think that is just a huge challenge that people have is that they truly do not understand what their capacity is Right and they overextend themselves yeah, youbook over right, overwhelm, and they don't realize we all have a certain capacity, correct, and I think, even like going back and looking at at jesus and his ministry yes, capacity, he, that's when he would retreat, when he would go off, and I need to just be with God, I need to pray. I'm at capacity now. I need to spend time alone. He went to Spartan, he went in the desert, he went and he retreated right Because he knew his capacity and he had to go back and refuel. People don't do that now.
Speaker 1:They reach their capacity, beyond their capacity. They don't go and refill with God, they don't rest, they don't honor the Sabbath as they should Right, absolutely. It just turns into like an explosion because they're not creating those boundaries. So when you look at the boundary like Jesus had boundaries- Absolutely did.
Speaker 1:Right, he sure did. Yeah, so we just have to connect, knowing the boundaries that Jesus had when he did his ministry and knowing I am only one person and there is so much in my capacity that I am able to do, and look at it as being selfish, but look at it as actually being selfless, because, not overextending yourself to people, you can't give your all to or do what God actually ordained you to do Right, exactly, exactly.
Speaker 2:Now I think of the scripture, where Paul is describing the different parts of the body the hands, the feet, the head.
Speaker 2:You know all of that and well, you know that the hand doesn't do what the foot does, the head doesn't do, you know what the arm does, and and, and so you, you know, allowing for others to come in, bringing in in maybe a different perspective, a different way of looking at things, a different skill set, right, I mean, I think that's just so beautiful because it's when we were serving. It's collaborative. It's collaborative, right, we're not supposed to do it all. I think about the pastors, where they wear so many different hats and I'm going, they're going to burn out in about three years and that's the average lifespan of a pastor in a church Three years and then they're out. You know they're not supposed to do everything. So this is what I tell my clients Stay in your lane, stay in the lane the lord has for you. Don't try to make a right turn or a left turn or a u-turn or look at what someone else is doing. To stay focused on where the lord has you yes and everything's going to be just fine.
Speaker 2:Right? It's when we start, you know, questioning well, is the lord you know? Is he you know like? Is he, you know? Is he doing this right, seriously, is he doing this right? Is this good? Stop questioning the Lord, right? As long as you are with the Lord, he's never going to lead you to anything that's going to be harmful to you, right? So just stay in your lane. Know what your gifts are, know. Here's the thing. This is what I know about the Lord in my own life. Whatever it is that I have passion for, he gives me the grace to do it. Now, I'm one of those people where, unlike my husband, I recharge by spending time alone. I spend time with the Lord. I spend time alone. Sometimes I'll look at my calendar and I'll say Lord, I don't know that I have capacity for all this stuff that's on here. Not that I overbook or anything, but I'm just going, you know, I don't know, and he's like well, I do, and he starts moving things off my calendar.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and.
Speaker 2:I'm just so grateful when he does that because he knows I'm needing the rest Not the physical rest, because the work that I do is emotionally and spiritually draining and he knows that I need that downtime to then come back for the next day and be with my client and be with them fully, right, and that's the same thing as you're serving, and even with your boundaries and stuff like that. You know, I love that you mentioned Sabbath. We are not really good at doing that, oh, yeah, we're horrible.
Speaker 1:Yeah, we are absolutely horrible. Our culture and just like Americans in general. Oh yeah, it's like Sabbath. What is that? What?
Speaker 2:that's why I love hearing about other countries that have a siesta.
Speaker 2:Yeah, where they're taking naps in the middle of the day. I wish I could do that, you know. But you know. But again, I love that the Lord's grace also empowers us to do what we're called to do, no more, no less. And so we need to be content in that, again, it's staying in your lane. It doesn't matter what everyone else is doing, and you know people will say, well, I want to do what they're doing. No, the Lord's got you here doing what you're doing for a very specific reason. Yes, yes, and isn't that the boundary? Oh, that's the boundary?
Speaker 1:Yeah, for sure. I think a bigger issue is that there is a lack of self-awareness with yeah. And can you just kind of touch upon that a little bit of like what role does self-awareness play in setting the boundaries and how can we start to develop more self-awareness in understanding what our capacity is to create those boundaries?
Speaker 2:Yeah, the lack of self-awareness says to me that that person does not know that they need boundaries. And then really examining so with a lot of the work that I do with my clients is identifying the root issues, is identifying the root issues. So in order to have awareness as to why you're doing whatever it is that you're doing that continues to be unhealthy, we need to get to those root issues, bring it to the awareness, because then you can start doing something about it. So there may need to be some healing around trauma with that. So it all depends on family of origin and what was experienced and what the dynamic was in family of origin as well.
Speaker 2:There are families that you know there's no boundaries, you're in each other's business and this and that and the other, and then ennestment is a different thing, but that tends to happen as well. Well, you have no idea where the person ends and the other person begins. It's just very enmeshed. So the self-awareness has to come from getting to the root issue as to why you don't have that awareness. There's trauma there and so that needs to be healed, and then empowering them by the word of God, with the word of God, to take these steps, baby steps. It takes time, you know, to change the way things are and the way that they have been for decades maybe, so it is a slower process, but it really is about consistency. So first thing I would say to people is, if you don't have an awareness that you need to have boundaries, then really look at doing some deep healing work. You really need to do that. Otherwise, if you don't get to those root issues, you'll continue perpetuating the same cycle that you're in.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, that's so good. And you know one thing I think, like going back to how you were talking about like your family of origin and you don't know, like you're constantly involved in your family drama and stuff. So one of the things I was telling you, kind of before we had hit record, is that one of the challenges I think I have is that I know that I need to create healthier boundaries around my inner circle, my immediate family, with my husband, with my children, with my sister, because you, you typically think that they're, they're your immediate family, like this is my spouse, this is my children. We don't have boundaries Like you get. You know, like honestly, right, honestly, and and I think in certain cultures also certain family dynamics, in certain cultures also certain family dynamics. You know you're latinos. Latinos are in everybody's business, right, you know? I know, like my aunts they say that, oh, did you know we got to pray for so and so did you know this is going on? They like to use the whole pray for them kind of thing, but it's really just they're getting the cheese man, the tea out, you know, um, but it's like the dynamics of the family being all in your business and it's really hard in some cultures and families to create those boundaries around your immediate family.
Speaker 1:So how do you, how do you navigate that stacy? That's something like I will say that I struggle with. Like that's just how we grew up. Our family knew everything about each other and I think, as I'm getting older, you know, I have created certain boundaries where I just I'm like I don't need to tell others to pray for me, I'm just going straight to God. I'm going straight to God and I have a core circle of prayer warriors that I know these are my go-tos, you know, and the majority aren't family, they're not my family. So how do you kind of navigate that, in a sense, to where you don't feel, or others don't feel, that you're trying to control them, because I think that's a bigger challenge in family dynamics. It's like, well, what do you mean, this boundary that you're trying to control them, because I think that's a bigger challenge in family dynamics. It's like, well, what do you mean, this boundary You're just trying to be controlling?
Speaker 2:Yeah, so communicating right, so communicating what your boundaries are. And communication means to be understood. So that's why it takes a lot of work. A lot of the time it feels like the game of telephone, right? Especially with the spouse. You know, men and women are wired very differently. They hear it, yeah, and I'm just going yeah, I, yeah, that's not what I said. So really learning how to communicate in a healthy way. So we're using I statements, so I, so you focus on your feelings and your needs and you're not blaming the other person.
Speaker 2:I feel uncomfortable when, tia, you call me and you ask me to pray for someone, but then you give me much more information than I really need to know. That's not helpful for me. I would just appreciate knowing that so-and-so needs prayer. I really don't need the details. I'll take it to the Lord and the Lord will speak to me about what to pray for specifically. Right, and that's what I do. It's like I don't need all the details. This is not a gossip flash over here. You know we're not going to do that, or or I need right, and so it's always taking responsibility for what you are needing, what you are feeling, not being accusatory, not saying you know I feel hurt when you. I feel hurt when this happens. We're taking full responsibility for it. Here's the thing, too, especially with people that are closest to you, and I've had to do with my Latino in-laws as well, and you know I love them. But you know there were no boundaries, and so I am the person coming from the outside in and I had to set very clear boundaries because I felt unsafe with certain things. It's a great thing now, you know, 19 years in, where we really are family and we all understand each other, but that's because the Lord got a hold of some of those unbelieving family members and so it really changed the dynamic. Change the dynamic. But you know saying things like I would appreciate it if and just be very clear as to what your values are, what is acceptable to you, what is not acceptable to you.
Speaker 2:And the key with boundaries is consistency. If there is no consistency say, for example, you have set up, you set a boundary, the boundary gets violated and there's no consequence Then that you're telling that person it's okay for them to continue violating your boundaries. So you have to be very specific and direct when you're communicating, right, so you're avoiding that vague or passive language. You clearly state your boundary and the consequences of crossing it. Period, right, we're going to be assertive. So the assertive communication style is the most healthiest. There's the passive, the passive-aggressive and aggressive. The assertive is the most healthiest. There's the passive, the passive, aggressive and aggressive. The assertive is the most healthiest.
Speaker 2:So being assertive means you're empowered to express your needs right, confidently. You're being respectful, you're maintaining that eye contact. You use a calm and firm tone of voice and you be prepared to listen to someone else. You know the other person's perspective as well and, again, like I said, being consistent, and you need to practice self-care as well in that. So it's really all about communication with respect and being consistent.
Speaker 2:I know you're a mom with your kids. When you have told them when they were younger look, don't put your hand over the flame, you're going to get burned Right, because you know kids they want to. You know, check everything out. And then you know they keep playing around and they get burned right, and you know I'm sure a conversation would go like okay, well, so how did that feel? Right? It was hurtful to them. So when we think about boundaries, it isn't just for us, it is for the people that we're in a relationship with as well, where everyone knows hey, this is okay, this is not okay. This is how we maintain safety and in knowing what the boundaries are, we have freedom. When there are no boundaries, there is chaos not freedom.
Speaker 1:Yes, yes, oh, that's so good, stacy, geez, we, we gotta, I gotta start wrapping up with you right here and I, I, I'm gonna have to have you back, stacy, I'm serious, we're gonna have to do like a part two with this, because I am just I, I my you can't see my notes. I like, front and back, I have just written down so much because just so much knowledge that you gave to the listeners right now and to myself. So just thank you. But as we start to wrap up, I just, I know there's so many resources that you can leave with. Yeah, but can you just share, direct the listeners to maybe some books and resources that are really good in helping with boundaries?
Speaker 2:Yeah, absolutely so. John Townsend and Henry Cloud doctors excuse me, john Townsend and Dr Henry Cloud are two Christian psychologists. They are the boundaries guys. I really love their books. So Boundaries by them is a great book to start with, just in general, to know what boundaries are. To get more in-depth in that they also have scripture references in there.
Speaker 2:If you are in a dating relationship, I would highly recommend that you and the person that you are dating get their book Boundaries in Dating. It also has a workbook. So I highly recommend that bundle. And then if there's toxic relationships whether it's you're in a toxic relationship or you have friendships that might be toxic, or even a co-worker I highly recommend getting safe people. So those three are by those guys. They are solid. You know in the material that they do put out. And then I also have a checklist that I have created for boundaries and how to get started. If you're interested in that, you know you can email me at info at trueministriescom and I'll be and just put in the subject you know, boundaries checklist and I'm happy to get that out to you.
Speaker 1:Awesome, and we we will put all your information in the show notes, but this has been such a valuable and insightful conversation. Honestly, you spoke so much just to me. I get so much information and wisdom, and I just know that the listeners are going to take away so much from this, and it's probably going to be eye-opening for some listeners, you know, as they are navigating through this and listening and hearing some of the stuff and realizing like, yeah, I struggle with boundaries, I, you know, I struggle with self-awareness, with that, so I just know that this is going to definitely help a lot of people. So, again, thank you for your wisdom. Now, before we wrap up, though, can you just actually share with our listeners how they can find you, if find you, what resources you have available?
Speaker 2:Yeah, absolutely so. My website is the best place to go ahead and contact me through trueministriescom. I have a lot of resources on there. There's a resources tab. There's free downloads on there for different things. I've got my podcast up there as well. I have my. You know you can check out all the different services that I do offer for individuals and couples as well. I do offer a free 20-minute consultation, so if there's something that you've been struggling with and you really want to get counseling around it, you know there's no cost to you to schedule a 20-minute consultation with me. I may be the right person to work with you based on what I offer, and maybe I'm not, but I can give you referrals as well. So go to my website. I actually just had it redone, so there's a lot of really great things on there. Go and check it out.
Speaker 1:Awesome, stacey. Again, thank you so much, and to everyone tuning in, if this episode just resonated with you, I want to encourage you to take some time, take a moment to just reflect and really look at how can you create healthy boundaries in the relationships that you are in and whether you need to strengthen them, whether you need to create them in your own relationships. Just sit and pray about it, really get discernment from God on where you need to put your focus on in creating boundaries and, as always, if you learned something from this episode, if you enjoyed this conversation, if you found it helpful, go and share it with somebody. This is such good, insightful information that I am certain that there is someone that you love that could really listen to this. So share it with a friend, leave a review and subscribe so that you don't miss out on our next episode. Thank you for listening and until next time, keep chasing joy.