Your Joyful Order With Leslie Martinez

#106 Whole Woman's Wellness- Healing Through Boundaries: Reclaiming Your Power & Peace

• Leslie Martinez • Season 5 • Episode 106

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Join us for an enlightening journey as we dive deep into the transformative power of boundaries in our latest podcast episode. Too often, we equate love with sacrifice and overlook the necessity of establishing limits to preserve our peace and emotional well-being. Leslie shares her personal stories interwoven with expert insights from Lysa Terkeurst's impactful book, "Good Boundaries and Goodbyes." 

We challenge the notion that setting boundaries makes one a "bad guy." Instead, we explore how boundaries serve as a form of self-care that honors our mental health and spiritual lives. Learn how to navigate relationships without guilt while maintaining the sanctity of your emotional space. We’ll discuss the critical balance between access and responsibility in our relationships, encouraging you to rethink who gets VIP access to your heart. 

Additionally, we address the profound realization of needing to let go of expectations in past relationships—highlighting the importance of grieving what was never there to begin with. Through empowering prompts, listeners will be invited to reflect on their lives and consider where they might need to assert boundaries to protect their overall joy. 

This episode isn’t just about philosophy; it’s actionable. You'll come away with concrete steps to establish boundaries and prioritizing your peace. Remember, you deserve relationships that nourish your soul rather than drain you. Tune in and discover how creating boundaries can lead to a more joyful, fulfilling life. Don’t forget to subscribe, share the episode with those who need to hear it, and leave a review to let us know your thoughts!

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Email: lmartinez@yourjoyfulorder.com
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Leslie:

Have you ever felt like setting a boundary just makes you the bad guy, like saying no is somehow unkind, unchristian or even selfish? But what if I told you that boundaries aren't just a good idea, that they are a God idea? What if I told you that peace isn't something you find, it's something that you fight for? Today we're diving into the power of boundaries. Why they're necessary, how to set them without guilt and this is a big one why sometimes you need to hold a funeral for past relationships. If you've ever been drained by a one-sided relationship, if you've ever questioned whether or not you were asking for too much, or if you've ever even struggled to say no without feeling guilty, then this episode is for you. Go grab a drink, maybe. Grab some tissues, take a deep breath and let's get into it.

Speaker 2:

Hey everyone, I'm Leslie Martinez and you're listening to your Joyful Order podcast. Each week I will bring you joyful stories that will motivate and inspire you and, at the same time, bring order to your everyday life. Let's just say the show will be a mixture of preaching and teaching, with a kick of motivation from your girl here. Welcome to your Joyful Order podcast.

Leslie:

Hey, girl, I can't wait to get into today's conversation with you. I know, just a few episodes back, we had an entire month of conversations all around boundaries, and here we are again. But I could not let this topic not be included in our whole woman wellness month, as protecting your peace through boundaries is so vital to our overall well-being. So we are talking about something that has completely changed the way that I approach relationships, and it's boundaries. I know, I know. I know Saying that word can, like make some of you uncomfortable, it can make some of you cringe, and you're like Leslie.

Leslie:

We already talked about this. I'm going to talk about it more because it is so, so vital to your overall well-being and our emotional well-being. Maybe you're someone who really loves to help others and setting boundaries feels like you are letting people down. Maybe you're scared of conflict and the thought of saying no just makes you absolutely cringe. Maybe you grew up believing that being a Christian meant that you tolerated mistreatment because you were called to love unconditionally. Does that sound familiar? Well, we're going to talk about that right now, because healthy people do not have issues with other people having healthy boundaries. And listen, I get it. I have been there. I'm still kind of in it y'all Really.

Leslie:

Really, I've created boundaries in certain relationships and I am working on creating healthy boundaries in other relationships. I have been that person that has overextended myself, who just kept giving and giving, who ignored red flags, who justified someone's behavior because I thought it was just a loving Christian thing to do right. And then you know what it led me to? It led me to exhaustion, resentment, feeling used and really angry and hurt. So today we're gonna dive into some key takeaways from the book Good Boundaries and Goodbyes from Lisa Turkis, and I'm going to share how I've applied them to my own life, including one of the hardest but the most freeing lesson that I learned, and that was holding a funeral for past relationships. That's right. Sometimes we just need to grieve what we've lost, even if it's just the version of a relationship that we hope that it could be, just the version of a relationship that we hope that it could be. Now this book I'm first and foremost going to recommend everybody go and get this book. It was such an eye-opening book on boundaries and a lot of struggles that many women have, you know, have or will go through in relationships with marriage, with family, with friends. And after having listened to this book, I realized that there are certain relationships that I set really good boundaries with and others where I have really poor boundaries.

Leslie:

Now, one of my first key takeaways was this quote from the book, where Lisa says boundaries aren't just a good idea, they are a God idea. Now that line just hit me like a ton of bricks, literally. I was kind of blindsided by this because for so long I thought that boundaries were more about being selfish. I thought that loving people meant that you always made yourself available, that you always made sacrifices, that you always said yes, that you always accepted them as they are. But here's what I learned Love without boundaries isn't love, it's enabling. You are enabling people's behavior when you allow them to continue to treat you poorly, to act out in anger, to be unforgiving, and I mean I can go on and on and on. And when we look at stories of Jesus from the Bible, he had boundaries. He would retreat and walk away from crowds. Jesus said no, he didn't let people manipulate him. So if Jesus, the most loving person to ever walk this earth, knew when to walk away, why do we struggle with it? I had to sit with that and I realized something when there is an abundance of chaos. There is almost always a lack of boundaries and this is something from the book, and I realized that if you ever feel that your life is just out of control, if there are certain relationships that just drain you, if you constantly feel that you are walking on eggshells, there is a good chance that a boundary is messing with the relationship.

Leslie:

Now, my second takeaway is who has access to your heart? One of the most powerful things that I learned was access and responsibility must be matched. Now let me say that again for the people in the back Access and responsibility must be matched. The level of access that someone has to your heart must match the level of responsibility that they take for treating it well. I had to ask myself have I been giving too much access to people who haven't earned it? And I want you to ask yourself that also, because here's the thing. And I want you to ask yourself that also Because here's the thing Just because someone wants access to you doesn't mean that they are entitled to it.

Leslie:

If someone constantly disregards your feelings, if they constantly are disrespecting you, if they don't respect your boundaries or they drain you emotionally, they should not have access to your life period. Those are the people that you give the cheap seats to. They can watch from afar, they can clap for you, they can cheer for you, but they don't get VIP access to you. Give them the cheap seats up there. Give them what they paid for. People that you give access to your heart, those are like your VIPs. Those are the people who are going to work hard to have access to you, and oftentimes we give that access to everybody. We even give it to people who didn't pay for the show y'all. I know I am guilty of that. I have given access to people who have not paid for the show y'all, I know I am guilty of that. I have given access to people who have not paid for the show. All right, and this is something that I'm learning Like. I cannot give access to people freely that are gonna, you know, just hinder me in any type of way, that are going to stop me from the calling that God has put on my life. You need to restrict access to people and not allow them to continue to drain you of your joy and your peace.

Leslie:

Now, the next takeaway was the real problem behind the problem. One of the hardest truths to accept is that sometimes the issue isn't the other person, it's our refusal to just accept reality. We make excuses, we tell ourselves, oh, it's not that bad, right, it's not that bad. We hold on to the potential instead of looking at the patterns. Y'all this was like for me, literally my brain like exploded when I heard this and I was just like, wow, I've shared a lot about my story with my father and this book resonated so much with me in wanting to create those boundaries.

Leslie:

And it's been two decades of me trying to work through a relationship with my father, trying to have a relationship forgiving, trying to be that nice Christian of accepting the bad behavior and saying, oh, it's not that bad and things will get better. And you know, just holding onto that potential and just that desire that he'll come around, we'll have a great relationship. God will fully restore him. But then the realization of the patterns that just continue and continue, and continue. And although I forgave, although I have loved unconditionally, although I have put myself out there immensely in trying to reconcile, I finally came to the terms of like you know what, these patterns have never changed, these patterns won't change.

Leslie:

But bringing boundaries into this, what I thought I don't even want to call it a relationship because it's not even a relationship. Call it a relationship because it's not even a relationship. Bringing boundaries brings clarity. They force us to see people as they truly are, not as we wish they were, and that's painful. Being a very optimistic, joyful, driven person, I always want to see the good in things and oftentimes it's hard for me to wrap myself around the reality of what is and what is can be painful, it's very painful, but learning to accept the truth and the reality brings so much clarity and so much more peace, and that peace brings joy, and I had to realize that the joy of what I thought having a relationship with my father would look like isn't that type of joy. The joy that I am getting is having peace about not having a relationship with someone that's toxic and having healthy boundaries around that relationship to not continue to be disappointed, to not continue to be let down, to not continue to be hurt by that person. So the peace is what we are seeking when we have to create hard boundaries. Now, hard boundaries, yeah. This is where my realization came that what I always like, dreamt and desired and having a relationship with my father was never going to be. I had to painfully process that.

Leslie:

My next big takeaway came in when Lisa was talking about learning to have a funeral for past relationships and realizing that I needed to have a funeral for the relationship that I dreamt to have with my father. Now I don't mean like an actual funeral with flowers and a eulogy and all of that stuff, okay. What I mean is that we need to allow ourselves to grieve the loss of either what was or what you hoped it could be. Now I've never had a healthy relationship with my father. Never in my life, never in my 40-something years, have I had any type of a healthy relationship with my father. So I am not grieving what was. I am grieving what I hoped it could be. And when I came to this realization of like I have to grieve what I always dreamt of, I have to grieve a father that was present. I had to grieve having a father that I could call and pick up the phone and, you know, have a conversation with. I had to grieve a father that was loving, that was there, that was emotionally attached to me. That was emotionally attached to me. I had to grieve all of that because I never had it. I wanted it, I dreamt of it, I prayed it was.

Leslie:

And I will tell you the process of going through just the healing of this relationship. I'm going to specifically talk about the relationship with my father, because this has probably been the hardest of all the relationships that I've had to process in my life. I've had to heal from physical and emotional abuse and I've had to heal from rejection. It's hard to be rejected by your own parent right, a parent that raised you, didn't necessarily raise you well, but was present for the first 17 years of your life, and then just straight out reject you and walked away. And that has taken years of therapy, counseling and I'm still processing it y'all.

Leslie:

And I am certain that there is someone who is listening to this today that you are dealing with a similar relationship, maybe with a father, maybe with a spouse, another parent, a sibling, a friend, and maybe you have to grieve and bury that relationship. It is hard, it is really really hard, but it is part of being whole, of being well, of being able to have peace in your life. And this might be where you need to get the tissues right now, because you're thinking about that relationship right now and you're grieving. Cry it out, girl. Cry it out, because here's the truth. Some relationships will not heal the way you want them to. Some people won't ever change. Some situations will not improve and, instead of holding on to false hope, we just have to release them.

Leslie:

And releasing doesn't mean bitterness, it doesn't mean that you wish them harm. It simply means that you are saying God be with you, but I cannot continue to be, and that's okay. And I'm going to bring a little twoupac in here y'all. Yes, your girl's going a little ghetto, but this is a quote from Tupac that just I'm like this is so good. I've heard this quote many, many times. I really need to put this on a shirt, but here it is.

Leslie:

Just because you lost me as a friend doesn't mean you gained me as an enemy. I'm bigger than that. I want to see you eat, just not at my table. That's quoted from Mr Tupac Shakur y'all. You do not need to create an enemy. Just Just because someone lost you as a friend, as a daughter, as a spouse, as a sibling, whatever.

Leslie:

Whatever relationship it is that you are grieving or that you have lost, that doesn't mean that you are now enemies, okay. That doesn't mean that this is someone that you wish harm on. Again, you pray for them. God be with you, but I cannot continue to be. I want you to eat. You just can't sit at my table, because healing doesn't always look like reconciliation, and in my relationship with my father, that's what I was praying and hoping for For years.

Leslie:

I was praying First and foremost. My prayer was okay, god, I want my father to know you and love you. I just pray for my dad to come to know Jesus. That's all I wanted at first, right. And then, once I realized that my dad had found God and that he gave his life to the Lord, then I was praying for reconciliation Years of praying, that you know. I hope that my father can be present. I want him to have a relationship with children and I want to be able to pick up the phone and call him and talk to him. I prayed for that and then I realized that's never gonna be. It was painful, the truth hurts, but I realized that this is someone that I need to just pray and say God be with you.

Leslie:

My own father has the cheap seats. He doesn't have access to my heart anymore. He hasn't earned that at all, and will he earn it, I don't know, but I've come to peace with it, where I've created that boundary, where I'm like it's time we're done, and I realized that healing doesn't always look like reconciliation. Sometimes healing looks like just distance and those cheap seats. They were far up there. There's big distance from those cheap seats towards stages, so he doesn't get access to me. In that way. He can be in the stadium, he can see the show, but he doesn't have access to me because he hasn't earned it.

Leslie:

Now my next takeaway is all about protecting your peace. Now, boundaries aren't about pushing people away. They're about keeping yourself full, bringing peace to you. God never intended for us to live in cycles of dysfunction, and if someone refuses to respect your boundaries, that's not a reason for you to drop your boundary or to say you know what? This person just doesn't get it. I love them, so I'm just going to let them continue. You know cycling through and I'm just not going to worry about this boundary, that I've pulled them umpteen times, that they need to respect. There is a reason to hold your boundaries even firmer.

Leslie:

I will admit this is something that I struggle with. I will set a boundary and the next time the person breaks it, I might remind them of that boundary, and then they do it again and by this time I like start to feel defeated and then I start to get angry and I may be like respond in a tone or a way that is not healthy or godly, because now you done just pissed me off, right. So now I've gotten to the point where it's like, okay, first time I was nice, second time I was patient. Third time I was stern, fourth time, like I've lost my patience, I've exploded, I'm done. Now I'm like you're my enemy. Right Now I'm like you're my enemy, right, not healthy. So we have to stay firm with that boundary and the minute that they do not respect it, we have to remove ourselves. Boundaries are not punishment for those people that keep doing it, they are protection for us, it is protection for you.

Leslie:

It is protecting your peace. It is protecting your well-being. Now, I know today's episode was a deep one. I'm going to start wrapping it up right now, because I think there's only so much that we can go into on this topic. And even just the takeaways from this book y'all the I just listed out like, I think, five takeaways. Every chapter had so many takeaways and I really want to encourage you to go out and get the book. But, girl, I just I want to tell you this if, if you take nothing else from this, hear me when I say this you are worthy of peace. You are worthy of protection. You are worthy of relationships that nourish your soul and don't drain you. You are worthy of joy.

Leslie:

Now, the whole woman. Wellness isn't just about taking care of your body. It's about nurturing your heart. It's about guarding your mind and protecting your spirit. It's about aligning your relationships with the abundant life that God has in store for you. And boundaries? Boundaries are just a form of self-care. They are a form of worship. Yes, they are, because when we honor the limits that God puts on our lives, we wanted the woman that he created us to be.

Leslie:

So I want you to do something today. I want you to first just take a deep breath, take one more deep breath. I want you to ask yourself where is God calling you to set a boundary? Where do you need to let go? Who do you need to let go? Where have you been fighting for something that is already finished? And now I want you to commit to a couple of action steps after this episode. I want you to maybe journal some of those thoughts that maybe God was speaking to you, maybe journal about a relationship that's been heavy on your heart, that you need to pray about. I want you to finally say no to something that has been stealing your peace. If you needed a sign from God, this is your sign. This is it, this stuff. Right here, friend, right here. This is God speaking in and through me to you to say you've been waiting for that sign to let that relationship go. Here's the sign.

Leslie:

Maybe you need to send this episode to someone that needs to hear this message. Maybe there's someone that popped in your head that you're like oh, I need to get this to her, to your girlfriend, to your sister, to your mama, to your auntie, to another woman out there that you know needs to create some healthy boundaries. Send this episode to them, and I also want to encourage you go out and get Lisa Turkis book Good Boundaries and Goodbyes. Read it or listen to it. You can get it on Audible also, and it is such a great book that is going to walk you through how to create these boundaries, how to say goodbye and be okay, doing so Whatever it is.

Leslie:

Just do it. Choose you, you are worth it. You are worth having peace. You are worth being full or being full. God desires for you to be whole and well, and creating boundaries is a step to being that whole woman that God called you to be. If today's message spoke to you, I would love to hear your thoughts, screenshot this episode, tag me on social media and share your biggest takeaways. Or, if you're ready to dive deeper in setting healthy boundaries and stepping into the life that God called you to, let's connect. I offer coaching sessions designed to help women just like you create a life of peace, purpose and wholeness. Because, sis, let's be real. You do not have to do this alone and, as always, I'm cheering you on. You are seen, you are loved, you are worthy, and remember to keep chasing joy.