Your Joyful Order With Leslie Martinez
Ever wish you had your own personal cheerleader or coach in your ear, whispering encouraging words? Telling you how to kick butt in life, plus showing you how to get there? That’s exactly what you’ll get when you tune into Your Joyful Order Podcast. Each week you’ll get a mixture of preaching and teaching from your host Leslie Martinez who is a Certified Life Coach, Business Owner, Wife and Mom. Listen along for some entertaining real talk about life, business and relationships. Leslie wants to help you to reach your goals and motivate you to live out your God given purpose, by bringing you insightful knowledge, resources and sharing some tips and tricks to take action. No topic is off the table here, just know that faith will always be the foundation of our conversations and an occasional kick in the butt might come in the most loving way! Get ready to take your life to the next level and learn how to chase joy!
Your Joyful Order With Leslie Martinez
#107 Boundaries, Guilt, and Finding Balance: A Therapist's Guide to Women's Mental Load with Chelsea Clifton
That invisible weighted blanket of responsibilities you carry? There's a name for it—the mental load. In this illuminating conversation with licensed therapist Chelsea Clifton, we dive deep into understanding why women often shoulder the majority of household management, emotional labor, and family coordination, even when they have supportive partners.
Chelsea brilliantly breaks down how this constant mental juggling act depletes our emotional bandwidth, leaving us vulnerable when unexpected challenges arise. "Your brain can't tell the difference between a bear and your tantruming child when you're in fight-or-flight mode," she explains, offering clarity on why we sometimes react in ways we later regret.
What makes this episode especially powerful is the practical wisdom shared. From understanding that "boundaries are for you, not others" to learning how to communicate needs without guilt, Chelsea provides actionable strategies that actually work in real family dynamics. You'll learn why setting realistic expectations might be more important than any specific technique, and how modeling emotional regulation is one of the greatest gifts you can give your children.
Whether you're drowning under responsibilities, struggling with generational patterns of emotional suppression, or simply trying to carve out moments of joy amidst chaos, this conversation offers both validation and a path forward. The most refreshing takeaway? "The right way isn't the only way"—giving us permission to find solutions tailored to our unique circumstances rather than social media's impossible standards.
Ready to lighten your mental load and create more space for what truly matters? This conversation is your starting point for transforming not just how you manage responsibilities, but how you experience them.
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Website: https://www.mindandhearttherapy.org/
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Connect with Leslie:
Follow on IG: @yourjoyfulorderstyle
Website: https://www.yourjoyfulorder.com/
Email: lmartinez@yourjoyfulorder.com
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Hey friend, welcome back to another episode. So we are just diving in to a powerful conversation as part of Women's Health Wellness Month. We're talking about something that many of us experience but we don't always have the words for, and that is the mental load of women, from juggling responsibilities to setting boundaries and letting go of the guilt. We'll discuss how to create space for joy and balance in your daily lives and to help us unpack all of this topic. I am going to be joined by special guest Chelsea Clifton. Now, before I bring on Chelsea, I just want to introduce you to her. Chelsea is a licensed marriage and family therapist who is passionate about creating a judgment-free space where people can truly be seen and understood. She helps women to navigate the weight of emotional and mental responsibilities while equipping them with tools to thrive. She believes in meeting people where they are, having real conversations and providing a safe space to work through the fills so that they can move forward with confidence. I know today's conversation is going to be a powerful one, so let's dive in.
Speaker 1:Hey everyone, I'm Leslie Martinez and you're listening to your Joyful Order podcast. Each week, I will bring you joyful stories that will motivate and inspire you and, at the same time, bring order to your everyday life. Let's just say the show will be a mixture of preaching and teaching, with a kick of motivation from your girl here. Welcome to your Joyful Order podcast. So I am back here with Chelsea Clifton. So, chelsea, thank you for your time and welcome to the podcast. Thank you for having me on.
Speaker 1:So, chelsea. This month we were talking all about women's wellness and I wanted to have this topic of conversation and that is just the mental load that women carry. We carry so much mentally and emotionally and it feels overwhelming and stressful very often for us. And as we're on this topic of just women's wellness as a whole, the mental load that we carry is a huge topic that I think I wanted to unpack, and what better way to unpack it than with a therapist? So, chelsea, for those that might not know or be familiar with the term of like the mental load, can you just describe how it uniquely affects women and what that actually means?
Speaker 2:Yeah, so the mental load is essentially this kind of like invisible way to blanket, like, and not in a bad way, but it's essentially right Like we have. So, like our to-do list like, and that's kind of when I work with clients, it's like the never ending to-do list and even if you kind of think you get completed almost feels like it starts all the way back in the beginning. So it's kind of this like vicious cycle, like I get one thing done, three things get added, I get two things done, five things get added, and so you just feel like I'm going, going, going and I have, you know, no capacity to kind of stop. And for moms especially, right, it's not just like our own mental things that we're trying to work out. We're trying to now manage one or more other people that literally are depending on us. And you know, even with, you know, small kids, with you know middle school kids or teenagers like you are still always like thinking ahead, right, and I think that's the other thing too that moms are a common theme is like, you know, I know what my end goal is like and I'm working my way backwards, like what are the things I need to do to like make this thing happen, where the majority of our family members are just starting here and going forward and you're like, well, I have to think five, 10 steps ahead to make sure this runs as smoothly as possible.
Speaker 2:But what happens is, well, if our capacity is here, if I keep thinking, thinking, thinking, thinking. Now I'm here and one kid has a tantrum. Well, now my bandwidth is so little that I just explode. And now I'm stuck in this another cycle of shame and guilt, of dang it Like I lost it on my kid again. Why did I do it? So now I'm carrying this guilt load plus the task load, plus the future load, like and so that, just, and that's where it just starts weighing us down, and that's where, a lot of times, you start to feel disconnected from our partners.
Speaker 2:We start to feel disconnected from like and so that just, and that's where it just starts weighing us down. And that's where, a lot of times, you start to feel disconnected from our partners. We start to feel disconnected from other people in our lives, because our mind is constantly going, going, going, which, in you know, I think we all have great intentions, but it's just, it's never ending and that's exhausting. I think that's why, like when mom's like I'm tired, it's like I'm not just like physically tired, I am mentally tired, I am emotionally tired, like it's like I don't feel like any baby care prepare any mom for like the time. Like people like yeah, moms are tired, I was like no, no, no, like true exhaustion is I would is how I would describe it.
Speaker 1:Yes, I, I love the term that you. I wrote it down that your mental load is like a weighted blanket that's such a good way to look at it. And the emotional, like tiredness of it too, right, Like it weighs you down and it kind of freezes you from doing stuff. Like it causes this procrastination. Right, Because you're carrying so much and there's just so much going on in our brains that we just don't even know where to start, so we procrastinate. Because it's like I have so much, like I just don't even know what to do, you get so overwhelmed. So why do you think women do carry this invisible weight often, and oftentimes they don't even realize it. Like we don't realize that we are carrying all of this. And oftentimes they don't even realize it, Like we, we don't realize that we are carrying all of this. And there could be a woman that's listening right now that they're just on an emotional rollercoaster, not realizing that they have this weighted blanket on them holding them. So why? Why do you think that is?
Speaker 2:I definitely like a multi-layered kind of answer, but I think there there is this um cultural piece that I always like to address of like mom is the one that takes care of the kids. Mom is the one that runs the household. Even if and I always like to say this like even if your partner is incredibly active and on it and checks the calendar and things like that, it's still this like societal and cultural pressure of like mom runs the household. Like mom makes sure that the doctor's appointments are set. Mom knows that you know that the assignment is due three weeks from now. So what do we have to do now?
Speaker 2:And it's once again not to say that partners are inactive and they're not on it. I think the right. And then also you have to, you know, another layer of like social media. You have this layer of like wow, like that mom can somehow do it all. So they can do it all. Then I should be able to do it all, and I don't see them asking their partner for help and I always say you know, that's the 1% that they're showing. That's not the actual story.
Speaker 2:And so I think that also, you know, kind of plays into this narrative that we have of like I have to do it all and if I ask for help I'm failing and it and it, and here's where, here's where that shame comes in is like I'm not failing at a test, like I am a failure because, as a mom, we somehow have this really intense expectation of I should be able to do everything.
Speaker 2:Um, you know, and I think there's also right, the generational right of, you know, this pressure of like you know, I, I have, you know, and not in a mean and intentional way. But it's like who's getting the text? Like me, or my husband, I'm the one getting the text about the family party and what I need to bring, and I'm like no problem, got it, like and you know, and so it's, we just handle the things. And so I think all those different pieces and different layers like kind of add to this, like well, now I, I'm going to stay quiet because now I've said yes too much and I feel bad asking for help because I have never asked for help before. So people are going to be like, well, what's going on with you, you know, and I think too, and that's where even our self-worth and our identity comes in as a mom of like good moms, make sure that things happen, and so that expectation on ourself and you know.
Speaker 1:God, you said so many good things right there, Chelsea, because cultural and society, like all of that has a huge impact on, yes, what women do. Right, it's like OK, if you look back, like generational, right, we, like my mom was of the boot, that baby boomers phase. So my mom, during that time, when she was brought up, she had a stay-at-home mom. My mom was one of 11 children. Her father went out and worked and her mom stayed home and took care of, like all the children I mean who you have no choice when you have 11 children, right, but they also grew up in poverty because there were so many children and because of the time you know, this is like we're talking like the forties and fifties here. So the, the generation started to evolve a little bit to you know that was I forget what generation is before my mom, but I think her parents are, I don't know. Anyways, before the baby boomers I don't want to try to think about it right now, but then come the baby boomers.
Speaker 1:And then when my mom and dad were raising us I I'm Gen X, right, I grew up like a latchkey kid because both of my parents worked, but there was still that expectation that my mom was the like she cooked, she cleaned, she took care of all of the things right, but she had to work Also, because at that time, like there was no, you couldn't just have the one parent income, right, you had to have two parent incomes. Both of my parents worked, but there was that expectation that my mom she still had to cook, she still had to clean, she still was like our emotional provider, she was the one helping with homework, like all of that. But my mom worked on eight to five still. So that pressure that was there. And then coming down now like to Gen X, right, Both of us were. But I think this generation, from like the Gen X on, I think we see a lot more of both parents carrying the load a little bit. I think it's gotten a lot better from like the baby boomers than like before. That right, so I'll speak for myself. Like my husband is great at carrying a lot of the responsibilities he cooks, he cleans, he helps the kids with their homework, he takes them to practice. Like he is a very involved, amazing father husband. Right, that's not the sense for everybody because there's still that cultural and societal like stigma. That well, no, and I know some in my generation that there are men that just don't cook, clean or get involved, right? So I think we're starting to slowly see that evolution change a little bit.
Speaker 1:But you brought up a good thing about like social media, right, Social media just brings it up and you get yourself in that comparison trap of, well, it looks like she's doing it all, Like, oh, she's an influencer and she has this amazing job and she has all these kids and she gets to do all these great things and you know all this stuff and that influencer lifestyle. It's not all fun and games, right. And seeing that like that, I want to just sit there for a little bit, because the whole social media doing it all like what are some practical ways that we can share with women? Because we know that on the other side of that, they're not showing everything of what truly goes on, right, I mean they're, they're highlighting certain things, but the the social media realm just brings a totally different impact to women and I w I want to like sit with that for a little bit, because what have you seen? The impact that social media has had with the mental load, not just on women but also children.
Speaker 2:It's funny, it's actually this has like been like a theme for a while, that, like when I work with parents and so it's kind of like social media right, like so his mom gets up at you know two hours like before her kids, and then she is dressed and ready to go and the lunches are packed the night before and she like creates these like very smooth mornings and things like that. And that's where clients are like I feel so bad because I like I want to do that, but then I I'm I'm so tired, like there's just no way that I can do that, and so this has kind of been the biggest theme. It's actually a quote from a, a fantasy book, and I remember I pulled it out one day and it has like clicked with so many people and I'm like whatever, just gonna run with it, thank you. Fourth wing of essentially like the long story short is the main character like can't get up the ramp like a normal person, do you like her size and stuff. And so the other main character says you know, the right way isn't the only way. And that's where I really emphasize like just because this mom gets up at 4am does not mean that's right for you and does not mean you can't have a smooth morning. Your morning is just going to look different, you know. And so, kind of taking that pressure off, of like, if 4am does not work for you, don't fight it right. Go like what does work for you. If packing lunches the night before is too much for you because you're exhausted in the night, great, how come in the morning? Or let's bring the kids in and let's like have them. You know, and you know. And it's funny too, because like, even if I fall in victim of it, of like, you know, like parents, like I made my kids do chores, I was like I am so exhausted by the end of the day I don't care anymore, like I will just clean the toys, I will just clean them because I need it done and I'm over it.
Speaker 2:There's a pretty big influencer. I follow Audrey Roloff and you know she has four kids and she went on this trip and she made it clear we are showing you guys the really good moments Please do not take. We have four small kids. Like there have been meltdowns, there have been tantrums, there have been timeouts. Like there have been tantrums, there have been time outs, like there have been all these things, but we're not going to put that on social media like that is a private family matter that we're going to handle. So, like you see our kids sitting at a table smiling, you didn't know that 10 seconds later somebody starts screaming and then we have to remove that kid like and take him outside and and so I think that plays.
Speaker 2:Like we also put this like their kids have it together and it's like, no, no, they're portraying what they want you to see. Like that is, you know, the, the goal, right and so, and and I totally feel that right like I want to always respect my kids privacy, like I'm never gonna put their tantrums on social media, you know, because, if it on the internet, like, it's there forever. So you know it's being cautious of that. And and that's where, and that's where I tell parents that, like, you have to be cautious of, like what you're putting out there forever, and so that's why a lot of influencers aren't putting their that they maybe they portray I get up at four in the morning. Maybe they really don't, maybe they get up five minutes before they're supposed to leave, like you know, we don't really know, but which which happens, I'm certain, right when, like you're just so tired and you don't set know which happens.
Speaker 1:I'm certain, right, when, like, you're just so tired and you don't set the alarm or you turned over and hit snooze and then you're like oh, oh darn, or turned it off, yes, and I love. I love how you said the right way isn't the only way. One of the things that I often tell my clients is like I thrive off of my morning routine, right, but my, like, I have a 20, a soon to be 20 year old and 17 year old. So my morning routine I I'm not having to, you know, like feed my children, get them up, like all of that stuff. Although I know I should let me backtrack my 17 year old. I have to go in his room like four or five times to get him up, but I'm not having to get him dressed or bathe or prepare his lunch or prepare his meals, like he's self-sufficient for the most part. But there is a season and that's why I love like the right way isn't the only way. Like if you're in a season where you have young kids, right now you're probably your morning routine is going to be like screaming to get your kids ready, packing their backpacks, like stressing out Is your homework done, like let's get your lunch. Like, and then like God forbid that you do a fancy bento box type of lunch, right, because you're trying to like hurry up and get out, like screw the cookie cutter sandwiches. Like really just like slap some PB&J on a piece of bread, throw it in a baggie and a lunch bag and like you're off, kind of thing, right. So we see ourselves comparing ourselves to like oh well, that mom she does a cute little bento box and cute little heart shaped sandwiches and stars and like that requires one a lot of planning. Can you do that with proper planning? Absolutely you can. But it is like another emotional load to carry. Like, okay, what cute thing can I do for my kid? Now, if you're a stay-at-home mom, maybe you work from home and you have a little bit of time and effort to do that do it. Will your kids love it? Yeah, will they remember it? No, right, like no, they're absolutely not gonna remember.
Speaker 1:I used to do those cute little bento box. I only did them like once a week for my kids, for my kids, because I didn't want to stress like I would do a cute one. I put the little note in their lunch pack, like all of that, and I would bring it up with my kids sometimes and I'd be like do you guys remember when I would use, like, do this for you? And they're like you did, you did. Like they don't remember that, but they do remember that in the mornings, like we got together as a family and we prayed and we like we did like a break, like a team, but we get in the circle, we put our hands in and we're like OK, ready, one, two, three, go Jesus. They remember that. But they do not remember the fact that I stressed about what cute little bento box and the note like, let alone even what I wrote on the note.
Speaker 1:So that mental load I can tell you now that I'm on the other side of that it was a complete waste of stress and overwhelm. Right, there are things that your kids are going to remember and there are things that they absolutely are not going to remember. They're going to know that me and my husband were at every single one of their games, activities, awards, speeches, school events, like they're going to remember all of that. They're not going to remember what gifts I gave them when they won perfect attendance. They're not going to remember what, how much money, or the words that I wrote on a card when I told them you know, hey, I'm proud of you for doing this, this, this or that. They're going to remember verbally what I've told them, but, like the things, they're not going to remember that.
Speaker 1:So now that I'm on the other side of parenting, where now I have like adult children in college, moving into college, like all of that I look back and I think I stressed about the stupidest things when they were little, like literally the stupidest things I the boxes, the lunch, the like, just the little things. That damn elf on a shelf. Like literally, yes, yes. The mental load during the holidays Okay, now there are. I I know that my kids will remember certain magical things and traditions that like they will carry on and they do love that about the holidays, but it's more of like the feeling and that's where I think we miss it a lot of times that we are so focused on the things rather than the emotional connection that you're making with your kids during that time.
Speaker 1:Okay, talking on all of this, there's so much that we can unpack here, but I want to kind of get into a little bit about I've been big on this like series on boundaries, and I think in every season of life, every season of, like emotions, relationships, your spirituality, like, there's so many different types of boundaries that you can create within each of those different areas of our life, right, so boundaries can be tough.
Speaker 1:Also, they can be very challenging, especially as a parent, as a parent with adult children, as a parent with adolescents, as a parent with like all of this we were chatting before we even hit record, like just the boundary subject alone, like how do you create boundaries with your kids? You can't tell them to go away right With your spouse, you're like just leave me alone, I'm just hard shut door in the face, kind of thing. But moving into creating these boundaries to help us like unpack this emotional load because we carry so much, how can we create boundaries in our relationships and I just want to talk about spouse and children at this time how can we set healthy boundaries without like feeling of neglect, without feeling that we're being selfish or guilty, without being, you know, harsh to our significant other or our children? Let's start there. I know you have lots to share about this.
Speaker 2:I'm like buckle up, okay. Okay. So you actually said something and I was like I tell this to almost all my clients, hear me all the way out, and I'll go into it more. Putting yourself first is the most selfless thing you can do for your family, and I'll bring in spirituality just for like a hot second. I'm like Jesus totally talked about boundaries, totally said I need to go spend time with the father, I need to rest. While there's a storm happening, I need to take care of myself first, because if I'm on empty, I can't give you anything. And I'm like everyone was like and that's too like they're like. That is so counterintuitive. I'm like absolutely, let's talk about it. Like too. Like they're like, that is so counterintuitive. I'm like absolutely, let's talk about it. Like because, and so that's where and it's you know, and I think the selfish side right Is like when we take it to an extreme of like, oh sorry, like I'm a vote, like I can't, I'm checked out, I can't write, so it's like there's a balance and so essentially like going straight into boundaries.
Speaker 2:So I tell people, like boundaries is the line you create for yourself of how you are going to respond to something. It has nothing to do with the other person. It is not their responsibility to respect your boundary. It's not their responsibility to follow your boundary. Boundaries are for you and you alone is me saying this is my line and I will not cross it. So when people are like you know, like kids my kids didn't respect my boundary, great, you were the one that broke it. Your kids did not break your boundary. You broke your own boundary because your kids don't know where your lines at, even if you tell them. It's your responsibility to hold your mind. And I tell this you know a lot of. There's a difference between setting a boundary and holding your boundary, because we and setting a boundary, we can do that all day long. All day long we can set a boundary. It's when tantrums happen, when you know we're getting into it with our spouse, like holding our boundary right, which is the difference. So like even you know okay, so like let's do like, um, well, these spouses first, like I think that's a good one, right Of, when I can feel, like, if you know, my husband says something and like I'm feeling it, or vice versa, right, it's being able to identify what is going on with me first and how do I take care of myself first before I go in and try and join that conversation.
Speaker 2:Here's where the healthy part comes in. I'm like, hey, I'm feeling overwhelmed. I need a second first, because if I just stay quiet and go walk into another room, well, now he has no idea what's going on and that's not fair to him to not give him a heads up of I'm coming to my line. I want to pull back because I want to have a conversation with you. I don't want to have an argument with you. So, like I got to take care of myself first and then I can come back because I'll have a bigger bandwidth to be able to sit in in this. And so same with kids right Of you know the tantrum is happening in this. And so same with kids. Right Of you know the tantrum is happening. It's like hold on what is going on with me. First, you can keep throwing the tantrum while I figure out what's going on with me, because once I can figure out what's going on with me and I can take care of my own needs, because essentially, when our kids are having a tantrum, it's causing us internal distress, and so what happens is your brain says get rid of this feeling. That thing over there is causing this. So get that thing to stop. You will feel better. The hard part is is your kid is totally in fight or flight. They can't hear anything you're saying there, you know. Literally they can't tell the difference between you're a bear versus your mom or dad. And so it's like I can take a step back, take care of myself, make sure I'm at a place that I can handle this, and I and I even work with, like you know, single parents right Of like, like you know, and that's the hard part is like you can't tap in sometimes, like, or even, like you know, my husband. He works at five in the morning, so, like, mornings are by myself. So it's like, okay, I have to be the one that does this. And so that's where I kind of think mom is feeling overwhelmed, mom feels frustrated, mom feels a little scared, like cause I don't know what to do. Okay, I'm going to do some coping skills. You want to do them with me Great. You don't want to do them with me Great. Like, I'm going to do them for myself. And this is how you're modeling to your kids what a healthy boundary looks like. The boundary is where the space you're going to operate within and knowing your line, that you're not going to cross.
Speaker 1:Oh, that's so good, chelsea. You know, as you're saying, that I remember like I would tell my kids mommy needs a timeout right now. And I literally would go lock myself in the bathroom and just sit on the toilet and cry my eyes out because I was so overwhelmed, I was so frustrated. I was to the point where, like, I wanted to hurt my child and I'm like I need to walk away. I like I so need to walk away. They were, they were few, but I I just remember I got to that point where I'm like I'm, and it was because my child had crossed the boundary. But again it was how am I going to react to this?
Speaker 1:I grew up in an abusive home. I'm never going to put a hand on my child, but at that minute I was like I need to put myself on a timeout because I do not know what I'm going to do right now. Because I was so like angry or frustrated, right. I was so like angry or frustrated, right. So I would lock myself in the bathroom and I would sit there and I would just be like, sometimes I would just like scream eternally. Sometimes I would scream out loud like, oh, you know, like cry, pray, literally get on my knees, just curl up in the corner and like, okay, god, I need you to calm my heart, calm my mind, calm my spirit right now.
Speaker 1:And I remember there was some time I don't remember exactly what it was, but my little one, my youngest, he's the one that drove me absolutely nuts because he's very much like me. We have the same personality, so we like bumped heads often right. And I cannot again. I cannot tell you what he did that caused me. All I remember is mommy needs time out right now. I locked myself in the bathroom and he knew that he had did something like naughty. I was in there crying and crying and crying. And as I'm sitting in the bathroom crying, he slips a note under the door and it says mom, I'm sorry, I love you and like I lost it even more right, I'm sorry, I love you and like I lost it even more Right Now. Had I reacted differently from that, I don't think it would have given him the time to realize that what he had did was was not right, that he had crossed a boundary during that time and there's lots of failed parts in that also.
Speaker 1:That wasn't always like that that I would, like you know, get frustrated and, and you know, maybe lose it on them as far as, just, like you know, yelling or screaming, and then after I'd have to apologize you know, mommy, sorry, you know I, I really shouldn't have handled that, I shouldn't have said this. So lots of learning in that. But a lot of times, like we lash out because we feel like we have to handle it right then and there Right, we lash out because we feel like we have to handle it right then and there Right. And that's one thing that I know, I have I learned with myself. I have to walk away, like I have to say I need a timeout or we need a break. I like I can't do this right now because I am going to say or do something that I'm going to regret and I'm going to have to apologize for it later. Like I'd much rather let's just calm down, let's evaluate where we're at, what we've done, what we've said, and then just have a civil conversation.
Speaker 1:But that's not, like that's not always the case in relationships, right? You? Sometimes the other person just like no, I want to go with, add it now, I want to figure it out. Your kids are testing your patience and they just keep crossing those boundaries. So how can we communicate like our needs, especially when it comes to that boundary, without feeling guilty about it? Also, because I think that's a big mental load that us moms carry is just the guilt. But how can we communicate that without experiencing the guilt? So here's our challenge but how can we communicate that without experiencing the guilt?
Speaker 2:So here's our challenge. You is, how can we acknowledge the guilt and hold a space for the guilt and then allow it to pass over us? Because, right, feelings are going to happen no matter why. And so and that's where, like day one, when people walk in this office, I say we are not fixing anything. We are learning how to make things more manageable. When your feelings, when your trauma, when your inner child comes out, I'm not here to get rid of it. I'm here to let you learn how to acknowledge it, give it its space that it needs, validate it, because what you're this is what I tell people your feelings are real, your feelings are valid and, most of the time, your feelings are not facts. That's the key part, because what happens is our we're physically feeling the guilt, and so it's like. Well, it must be true, feelings are not facts. That's just what we're experiencing in that moment, with all these other layers happening.
Speaker 2:Right, I saw my friends kid freak out and they were able to, like, get down to their level and talk to them calmly, and I'm like I also can do that in public, because everyone's watching me, like, like, behind those doors. It may not be the same scenario, like you know. So it's, it's being able to like I'm feeling guilty, okay, what do I need right now? Do I need to say a quick prayer? Do I just need to say, like it's okay, I feel guilty? Just because I feel guilty Doesn't mean I'm a bad mom. I'm a really good mom who experiences guilt and once I can take care of that, that helps me to then get out of. I caught the emotional loop right, because when we're in a heightened state and our kids are in a heightened state, it's just emotion talking to emotion. There's literally no logic involved at all. So when you have that line up, my line is I know, if I, if I cross it because my kid has broken a rule, then I I'm not going to be able to be effective, I can't correct. And I think you brought up an amazing point.
Speaker 2:There's actually a um. It's from a dialectical behavioral therapy and I use it a lot. It's called stop and literally it's like it's. It's an acronym and the S stands for literally stop. T stands for take a step back, and I tell people take a physical step back, like just take a step back. O is for observe, observe what's going on. What's happening with you, what's happening with them, observe what's going on. The acronym start is repeat is perceived mindfully.
Speaker 2:I like to change a little bit and I say do you need to pivot, proceed or continue passing? Like, decide what you need to do in that moment? Because, right, Sometimes it's like I just need a little redirect, I'm like we're going to be fine. Sometimes I need another minute, you know. Or it's like, okay, I've gotten to a point where I'm okay and I can go in and I can marriage. What's what's happening with, with them or with myself? And I even say that to you, like when our spouses are, you know, we're going to. I always tell people like there's a fighter and a fighter in a relationship, so there's a person that's like we're staying until this is figured out and there's one person that's like, get me out of here and so right, that's where it is, the communication piece of like for the fighter, like how can I, as something he wants to avoid, let you know? Hey, I just need a couple minutes, I'm coming back.
Speaker 2:I'm coming back. I get that, the anxious attachment of like you're nervous, I'm going to go. If you, let me just take a minute to myself, I can then come back and I can actually hear you, because right now I can't hear you anymore.
Speaker 2:I'm just protecting myself, because I think you're a bear, I think you know my life is in imminent danger and so my brain is doing a great job of shutting everything down. And that's the part of the brain that's like. You know, don't say those things and that's gone. And it's like I don't want to just say things, to say things to hurt you, Like I want to have a meaningful and even with our kids, right? It's like I want to say things with purpose and redirection and but I don't want to say things that are going to hurt you because I I was experiencing emotions.
Speaker 2:So my line and he actually brought up something that I I kind of like to really focus on too of like you know, my kids like cross the boundary. It's so, boundaries are for us, rules are for others, and so this is the best kind of way I explain. It is like my kids, my boundary is, you know, everyone sleeps in their own bed. That's what works for my household, like, and so everyone sleeps, but the rule is you have to stay in your bed. I can't force you to go to sleep. You want to stay up five hours talking to your seven animals? That's on you like my boundaries if you come into my room to try to crawl my bed, I I have to follow through and I have to put you back. You broke a rule, but how? How am I going to respond?
Speaker 1:Yes, oh, that's so good. I wrote down like so much right now, literally, and you, you had. I laughed when you said, like the whole, one person is like the flight and the other or the fight or flight, yeah, and they marry each other. And you said that and I'm like, oh my God, that's so, me and my husband, I'm like the flight person and he's like the fight. I want to resolve this now, like, and I'm like, no, like I, I grew up in a abusive home, so for me, my instinct is to flight, right, and everything that you said, like if the tone is out of context, I'm like in that, like, like.
Speaker 1:I'm like in that, like, like you know, um, bear down, kind of like I just find myself in a place that I don't like to be because of the trauma that I grew up in, right, so I try to avoid any of that by all means. However it's it's also it's not healthy for either of us, right, we have to like sit and calmly experience our um or talk through our emotions, and I think that's one of the things that, like, I am learning right now, because I grew up in a home where we didn't talk about emotions. We couldn't have emotions, basically, like you know, it was the what are you crying for? Like there's no. Do you want me to give you a reason to cry? It was that kind of thing, you know, and my father literally often said his infamous words were I'd rather you fear me than love me. Literally.
Speaker 1:So that is the type of home that I grew up in, so fear was a huge emotion that I just was like always living in fear, always living like walking on eggshells, right, because you don't know how is he going to come home? Is he going to be in a good mood, a bad mood? What's going to piss him off today? Like, am I going to get hit today? Am I going to like lose a bunch of hair today from him pulling my hair out? Am I going to get a black eye today, a fat lip? What's going to happen today?
Speaker 1:We did not know, and so we couldn't express our emotions. We had to like bottle everything up. So I am in a place where I am learning to express my emotions healthy, but in in this I'm actually taking a course at my church. It's called like emotionally healthy relationships. It's a course with Pete Scazzaro and it has been very eye-opening for me, but then also in looking at other women and how we all struggle with processing our emotions and I think that's a huge thing of talking about the mental load that us women carry. Is that we? I don't think there are a lot of people or homes that grew up in a place where we emotionally were healthy. Does that make sense?
Speaker 2:Yeah so being.
Speaker 1:I mean, I know I did not grow up in a home environment, my family. Today we are all emotional hot messes, right, and now that I am learning a lot about my emotions and trying to understand them, I am in a place where I reflect back, because part of the of the like therapy or exercise that we go through with this course is you are looking at like your genealogy of what you came from, right, we're piecing together like all of this of what does this look like for you emotionally? Well, of course, you don't know how to process your emotions because you were never given an example of what healthy emotions are, what healthy relationships are. So how does one that is trying to unpack this mental load, how are our emotions come to play with that? How can we learn to process our emotions healthy?
Speaker 2:yeah, and I think you bring up like a really great point and that goes back to like okay, so like now I'm like trying to break generational cycles, then so like, how do I do that, like for myself? And then I see my kid and they're having a tantrum and like, but now all my stuff's coming right, and so then you're like late at night you're just like, how am I gonna? How do this Like, how, how am I going to break all these things? And so, and that's like the, really the unspoken pressure, like you know, for moms and for dad. And I think and this is where, like I'm, I want to totally validate moms I think dads have a harder like pressure of like I do not want my kids to fear me.
Speaker 2:I want my kids to come to me like, and so they're trying to like. It's like and you know, and they have a big societal piece of do not share your emotions, and so they're trying to break that and I think that's you know, and and then, and it's like the, it's like the two of you and this is so hard, um, but I think kind of going back to like how to process your emotions. So this is actually a thing that I have. A lot of parents are like you know, know, well, I shouldn't, I shouldn't tell my kid like what's going on with me? And I was like balance.
Speaker 2:When your kid knows I'm experiencing emotions. They then get insight to like OK, now I know what's going on. Now am I going to sit there and say I'm so overwhelmed because of softball practice and the bells, and no, no, no, no, no. I'm not putting that on anybody, right, maybe because of you, maybe because of other things, but, like, mom is hitting her limit, her capacity, mom is going to do coping skills.
Speaker 2:This is like when I used to work with little kids. It was like, well, how do I get my kid to do it? You don't get them to do it, you do it and you invite them in if they're, if they want to, the more they see you doing it and they're watching you deescalate, they're watching you process your emotions. They will then automatically join in or you'll like catch them doing it, like without having to say to do it. Because that's a lot of times I had parents that, like you know, I tell my kids to make like their coping skills and they just don't want to do it. And it's like it has to be modeled for them over and, over and over again. And the other you know kind of caveat to that is you know, it's almost like we practice coping skills and everything's wrong and it's like your brain can't do them. Practice them when they're when everything is fine. So your brain knows when I do this I should feel better.
Speaker 1:So I need to start working towards feeling better, that's so good and you know, I think you and I were talking about this when we chatted the other week about the movie uh, inside out, right, we're talking about okay, so, but and and I bring this up about emotions because it's so important I I love how you shared like it's important for us to express to our kids what we're feeling. Right, we don't have to give a list like you're stressing me out because I have to pay for your practice, I have to pay for your travel, like all this stuff, right, maybe when they get older I think I had that conversation with my son like two weeks ago I'm stressed out because I'm trying to send you to Europe this summer, do you understand? Like trying to pay this many thousands of dollars so you can go to Europe before your parents even go to Europe, anyhow, but he's going to be 17. He can handle it. But unpacking emotions I love, and I think we've gotten into a place in society where now we are, we look back. Right, you learn from the past, you learn from history. A lot of people, like a lot of us Generation Xers, we're hot mess. That's why you have a job, chelsea, because we need to go and unpack all of the trauma that our parents passed on to us and so forth and so forth.
Speaker 1:Because, going back to the cultural and the societal stigmas that were placed, like we don't talk about that, no, we like we sweep it under the carpet Right and in in this class that I'm taking of emotionally healthy relationships, I mean we have like 80 women and this is like the norm that you're hearing of of women. You know, it's not until like a little bit into like the 20 something year olds where you're starting to see some of these generations are breaking where they are like when they did their little geniogram thing there of like the trauma and how it came. It's like, oh, mine is clean, you know where mine was, like all these crazy zigzags and lines and X's and dashes, like all this stuff, right, and we're starting to see, so I love that we're seeing these generational cycles breaking, that these younger generations they're not going to have a crazy genealogy that's going to like go back to all of this emotional package that was carried on down to them. But we see today that we you know, therapists, honorized counselors, life coaches like life coaches weren't even a career back then because people are realizing that emotional stress there's such a huge impact to emotional stress, overwhelm all of that. But it has a physical impact on us also, right. It affects our body, it affects our you know it's a cause for disease, right? So there's so much research that ties a lot of physical elements back to your emotions, back to your mental health.
Speaker 1:So, going back to Inside Out, absolutely love the movie, both movies, the recent one, inside Out 2,. It depicted anxiety, which is something that I have struggled with. We took the whole family to go see it. We even took my older son's girlfriend. We all went as a family. Let's go watch it.
Speaker 1:I sat there in complete awe of how well they actually demonstrated these emotions right, especially anxiety, something that I suffered with for a really long time. Still have it, but I've learned to like manage it right. So we leave the theater and I remember telling my family like in the car, you guys, the way they depicted anxiety. It was to a T and it was to a T where I was sitting there in the chair, that I felt an anxiety attack. Come on, because I was feeling her emotions, because I've been there. I've been there so many times where I had to go through that and I was explaining it to my kids. Like you guys, that's what anxiety feels like, like they. They nailed it so well, right, so well.
Speaker 1:And then looking back at all the other emotions that they depicted like joy, sadness, fear. It was depicted in such a way like we didn't have those movies growing up, chelsea. We didn't have that to see, right, and I'm just like I. I wish that it was like a rite of passage that every parent and every child will see this movie to be able to understand what their emotions go through. So that movie allowed my children who right now, neither of them suffer from anxiety. They got it inside of what mom went through for many years, especially when they were younger.
Speaker 1:I didn't have my anxiety under control, so when I had those moments of mom needs, a timeout right now and I would go into the bathroom and lock myself, I was having an anxiety attack. I literally my heart rate would escalate and I'm like the room starts spinning and I'm like, like and I'm trying to calm down, I'm praying, I'm doing whatever I can, not realizing that there was so much more to managing my anxiety. So I never wanted my kids to see that side of me on the other door, because I think that they would get scared. But then there was this sense like as I'm watching it on the big screen and I'm seeing how well they depicted it where I'm like it's important for our kids to be exposed to what emotions really feel like, and we hide that from our kids. We want to be strong, we want to like, keep our head up, keep our chin up, and you know even things like grief Recently.
Speaker 1:Like we had some significant loss in our family, like we lost a very important person in our lives. It was the godfather to both of my sons. He was like my brother, he was a cousin. He was like my brother, though, and processing through that grief, like it's it's going to be two years later this August will be two years since he passed we still grieve Like we still talk about him, and I don't know that people know how to even grieve properly.
Speaker 1:All of these emotions, we want to hide it like, oh, he's in a better place and you know I'm just being selfish because I want him here it's like, no, we have to grieve what we've lost and we want to sweep things under the carpet because we think we're a better, bigger person for that, and that's what just adds to our emotional baggage and this mental load that we carry, because we're not taught to expose our emotions or even how to deal with them. For the woman that's listening right now, I want you to give some advice. Chelsea, like she's feeling completely overwhelmed right now. She doesn't know how to express her emotions because maybe she grew up like me where you know. It just wasn't a thing. What is the first thing that she can do today to start eliminating this like mental package that it just carries on her?
Speaker 2:I'm like we can go so many routes with this.
Speaker 1:I mean, I know we can't.
Speaker 2:But here's honestly what I kind of tell people is like. Or when I'm like we can go so many routes with this. I mean, I know we can, but here's honestly what I kind of tell people is like. Or when I'm like, when it is like because, like some things that I always want to validate, like there are some things that we really can't just like get rid of right, like and that's what we talked about like boundaries, like I can't just like tell my kids like you're out of my life, you know, and so, especially, my kids are seven and three.
Speaker 1:Like that's just not realistic.
Speaker 2:Yeah, but I honestly and I know it, it seems really simple, but it's actually really scary is like have you checked in with yourself? I think a lot of times it's like I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine, no-transcript. Sit and think about it and you're like I'm like a nine, okay. So how do we get down? One point that's the other thing. I think people are like well, I want to be at a four, but I'm always at an eight, okay, so how do we just get down to an eight? And I know it sounds crazy, but I'm like low hanging fruit people. Sometimes it's like have you eaten today? Probably not. Have you had any water today? Maybe, like you know, I'm like sometimes it's just like can I check in with myself? Can I pause for five minutes and just breathe? Like I'm that's the thing I think a lot of people forget is like deep breathing is phenomenal. I don't use I don't like to say it like when we're in fight or flight or having a panic attack, because that takes a lot of brain power. But if you're just stopping and checking, because here's the thing people are like if I stop, the whole soda cans going to explode. I was like if you stop and just crack the lid a little bit, it won't explode. That's all I'm asking is that we are just cracking it little by little, by little and then we release some of that pressure so we don't feel this tight, uncomfortable, like on edge, like, ooh, is this going to like, is it going to be time, you know? And so I think, even in that of just checking in with yourself and like you know, and so I think even in that of just checking in with yourself and like where am I really at and is there any needs I can, I can kind of meet for myself, like you know, um of even, you know, I tell people, like you know, a prayer. The research backs it up. I'm like, if you're not religious, just talk out loud, like because when you can hear yourself saying it, the things up here, like our little headquarters, it's a lot bigger in here when we kind of can externalize it and that's a big thing I work on with kids, but I can get it here. Okay, now I can see the problem. Now I can see what's going on and it's not as big and scary in in my mind as I had envisioned it, you know, or even kind of like going through the test. It's like. It's kind of like when you brain dump and you're like, wow, that's a lot of things. But then you can kind of like, okay, let me pick a few things. I can't tackle the whole list, but I can tackle a few things Right.
Speaker 2:And so even just in that, like you're essentially like emotionally brain dumping when you talk at outlet, or even you had the time journal. If you had the time journal, if you had the time, voice memo yourself, like you don't. And that's where I tell people like you know, I, in a perfect world, like we'd have our people that we can unload on in maybe it's different seasons or things like that Voice memoing yourself and listening back to it. You're like wow, like OK, like I can hear something's going on really quick. Or you know, that's where I, having having your tribe of people, having your partner, like and that's that healthy communication, and so like that's where, like I tell my parents you don't want to dump on your kids, it is not their job, that's not their job.
Speaker 2:What you are showing is, how am I managing it? So that way, when your things are happening, okay, like I. So I I don't know why I do it. But I like pleasurable agents, like I always just like do this. I'm like I bet I have to feel my heartbeat, like I know I'm here on live. I don't like say anything, and so my daughter will be like I feel frustrated right now. I'm like, okay, right, cause she's seen me do it so many times and it's like, okay, you're feeling frustrated? Great, thank you for letting me know that you have being a sassy to me. It's because you're feeling frustrated with me. You're feeling frustrated. I'm saying no, or I said you can't wear this, or whatever you know. Okay, I can validate your feeling and you're still not wearing that.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that so good, chelsea, so good. The whole check-in with yourself. I think that's huge because, especially when you're at that point where you just feel like you have so much right and you're like I can't stop right now because the whole ship's going to sink if I stopped for literally five minutes right now we all have been there, we've been there especially when you're in the thick of it with little ones and you're just like I just can't breathe, I'm just like suffocating right now. Do that mom that's juggling, like the little ones, and you know, school practice, baseball, football, cheer, like all of that stuff. You're in the thick of it and you just think I work, I have to, you know, do homework with my kids, take them to practice, do this Like I don't have time for myself, let alone to stop and do a check-in, going back to what Chelsea said before, like you have to put yourself first or like as the best thing for your family. So if you don't feel that you have the time, that's when you need to ask for help. And I think that's another thing that us women tend to like, maybe be a little prideful, and that we don't want to ask for help because then it means that we don't have it all together. That means that we can't do it all. I'm going to tell you right now, friend, you cannot do it all. You can't. You just accept the fact that you cannot do it all because we physically, emotionally, mentally, were not made to do it all, like even Chelsea.
Speaker 1:You know, talked about the Bible, how Jesus went and retreated and he's like he had his own little boundary that he created. I need to go pray. He went often. He retreated. I mean, he went and prayed in the desert for like 40 days. He went MIA for 40 days and he spent it and then he was like tempted by the devil in the desert, right, and you try to get temptation, like I can go on and on about that. That's not the point. The point is Jesus did not do it all by himself. He couldn't. He had to retreat and say I need to go get my cup filled in order for me to come back and pour out to y'all because y'all are crazy, y'all are sinners, y'all need to get your life straight and I can't, I can't do it all. So I got to retreat and pray and get filled up and, you know, be reminded by my own father of why I'm doing this, why he called me how to do it and go and you pour out, so you cannot do it all. But we, like society has told us that we can and that we should. Social media has told us you can and you should and if you don't, you suck and you're not a good mom. Right, and it's just.
Speaker 1:It's so frustrating to see that and I wish that I can go back to like my 27, 28 year old self when I was in the thick of it with my little ones and stuff. You know my 30 something year old. When I was in the thick of it with my little ones and stuff you know my 30 something year old because I wish I knew some of the things I knew now, back then that I could like tell myself like ask for help, it is okay. Like ask for help, your kid does not need the bento box lunch with the cute cutouts. Okay, you, you do not have to move the elf tonight. Just let it be like.
Speaker 1:There's so many things that I wish I could go back and not stress myself out about. I mean, I joke about it, but there's so many truths to it, but you just touched upon so much right now that, going back to the self-check-in, you have to be able to stop and pause and do a self-check-in With my coaching clients. That is the first thingcheck-in. You have to be able to stop and pause and do a self-check-in With my coaching clients. That is the first thing that we do, the first exercise that we do. We're going to do a self-inventory right now.
Speaker 1:It's a list of like 20 questions that I ask them. You're going to rate yourself right here on all of these things, because you have to start from somewhere. You have to see where you're at A brain dump, let's brain dump Because you know what Some of the things that you are stressing about aren't even important. Like I have my clients categorize like okay, a is it must get done, b, this Like categorize what your brain dump is, and then you're going to realize the stuff that you're stressing about aren't even important. It doesn't even have to happen until next week or something that you can like delegate to somebody else to do. That's where you ask for help, but we're so prideful, like we don't want to ask for help, right I? And how do you? Now I'm asking from a professional as you, a professional therapist Okay, when you have a woman come in Chelsea and is like an emotional just wreck that is carrying the weight of the world on her hands.
Speaker 1:Okay, you've done the self checkout or self reflection, kind of you checked in with yourself. Right, we've done the self inventory Step one. You're saying that this is like the first step. Do this. What are some next steps that you would give your patient in, whether it's creating powerful daily habits, whether it's, you know, like you said, journaling, all of that stuff, like you gave some great ones, but what are, like, the very, very practical things that you're going to say? This is what you're going to do for the next 30 days.
Speaker 2:Yes, I'm sure nobody's going to like this answer, but I actually am, like we need to. What are your actual expectations of yourself, of yourself, of your kids, of your spouse? Because sometimes so I did a big thing on like managing your mornings, because I'm like, are you asking your kid to do the task or are you having an expectation that they will drop what they are doing, say, of course, mom, and then do the task You've now set? And that's the mental load of like my kid doesn't like me because they're complaining about this as opposed to they got the task done. How they got it done doesn't matter, and I think that. And so that's where it's like self-check. And then, do I have realistic expectations for myself? Do I? Am I putting unrealistic expectations on other people in my life?
Speaker 2:And here's the other part about asking for help. And I always, will forever acknowledge the cultural piece. I want to always make sure I'm calling that out, because I am white and I you know, and so there, and I think my like cultures handle things differently. And so, right, like there is expectations of, like we come together as a village. And then there's also where it's like no, like you leave and cleave and like you're on your own Right, and so I always want to take that piece into consideration. And so, you know, even the asking for help.
Speaker 2:But it's like, am I putting an unrealistic expectation on myself, but also on other people in my life? Do I think they really wouldn't come help me? I really think that they're going to think any less of me because I'm asking for help. I'm asking for them, you know, hey, I'm. You know, I need you to pick up my kid on Tuesdays, you know. And so because, because we don't want to feel like a burden, we don't want to feel like a burden, and so if I ask for help, I'm burdening you with my child. That's my responsibility, that I essentially chose to do, and so. But then I've also put all these unrealistic things on my plate that I can't, I can't, and a lot of times we don't realize that we have set the bar way too high for ourselves, and so when we just just miss it, it's like boom that's so dang.
Speaker 1:Chelsea, that Chelsea, that's so good, so good. I'm sitting here thinking, like I I do that I set expectations of how people should act, respond, and then I get disappointed when the picture of how I wanted it done or said or whatever is not met. So it's on me because I'm setting an unrealistic expectation. And I also know, like communication is a big factor of that, especially like if I'm asking my kid I've gotten now to where, because my oldest son is away at college, he's not here at home, but my youngest kid, he's going to be, he's 16. He'll be 17 in July. He's at that phase where you know he just likes to sit in his room and not like socialize with people. He's at that teenage where you know he does all his socializing at school and in his athletics and all that stuff, and then he comes home and he wants nothing to do with anything. So my communication is I'll send him a text sometimes for out and about hey, I need you to unload the dishwasher by 1 pm today. Like, so my expectation, I don't care how long it takes, it just has to be unloaded by 1 pm. That's my expectation, right? Because before I would say hey, I need you to unload the dishwasher. And then if I got home and it wasn't done, then I got angry and I'm like what do you do? He's like I'm not ready to do it yet.
Speaker 1:So now I had to verbalize it in my communication. What is my expectation that it's going to be done before I get home, what time am I going to be home? By 1 pm. So now I'm communicating make sure that the dishwasher is unloaded by the time I get home, 1 pm or whatever it is. So I'm being very specific in my communication. And now, if it is not done, then I come home and I'm like hey, I was very clear.
Speaker 1:What did you not understand about this? Because now it's like I'm being clear. But what is delaying you, you know. But I can say I think since I started shifting in that way where I'm like specific with the time end of day by like whatever, I'm giving like a hard deadline, I don't think there has been very much issues as far as like when the dishes need to be unloaded, when the trash needs to be taken out, when your room needs to be clean, because I'm verbalizing and communicating effectively so that there's no failed expectation in that part. And then if it is, I'm asking what did you not understand about this? Where was I not clear about it? And I don't know? You tell me as a therapist now is that is that a good? Is that good or is that bad Chelsea?
Speaker 2:I'm going to go back to my phrase of like it went to, and this is where, and because people want, like me, to tell them clear, cut answers, I'm like I can't give you that because every fight family dynamic is going to be different.
Speaker 2:Everything is going to be right and so, even like you know, we'll very quickly touch on this like kids who are under the neurodivergent category, who have ADHD and who have autism, like they do not, it's like a demand will send them into fight or flight. Right, but that's me. That may not be your kid, so your kid might be like I need a hard deadline and if that's what works, I'm like, go for it. That's where I'm very much like um, you know, the right way Isn't the only way, and if this is the right that you're like this is the way that. Like my son under like he means like a time where, like for you know, um, when I work with, like ADHD kids or even parents like who, who have ADHD, it's like, instead of saying, like I need the dishes done by one, it's I am so excited to use this cup in the cabinet because you did that, because you put the dishes away ah, so different it.
Speaker 2:Same same concept. Yeah, differently. Right, because it's a non-demanding, it's. I am excited to see what shoes you pick today. I am excited do you want to wear the blue shirt or the right? So it's giving them a little bit more control. It's not being demanding, right. But then some kids like need that, like I need this, and like my daughter, she is somebody who like does what really well with time, like I like if I set the timer, it's like I five minutes and then it's bedtime five minutes. You know, and that's what works for our family. It doesn't work for every family every family.
Speaker 1:Yeah, oh, I love that. I love that. No, but as I'm sitting here because I don't, like, I don't want to give and that exactly what you said. I don't want to give insight or information because everything is so different, like it works for us.
Speaker 1:I got to give and my kids were the ones where timers were like so good, I would set a timer like, hey, ok, you have 15 minutes to get your shoes on, get your backpack pack and we need to be out the door. Even still, to this day, I am counting down to my kid. As you know, he's in high school now. But I'm like, hey, you got five minutes, you got five minutes, you got to be out the door. You know you have 10 more minutes. Hey, you have 20 minutes to get in the shower and get ready. Like I'm constantly doing that whole countdown mode because that's what has always worked for us. But in those the dynamics are so, so different, different. And then I like it's also a season right, your kids aren't going to be little where they're going to need those timers like all the time. Um, although I mean my kids are a little bit older and they still like it's, it's it's structure, I.
Speaker 2:But I set a timer for myself. I was like the timer's for me it's actually not for you, it's for me, because we will be late if I don't give myself a like okay, I have five minutes, I five minutes to get everything done.
Speaker 1:I literally set timers for like everything and I'm constantly watching, but again, that's like a boundary I create, yeah, for me to allow me to be prompt, to respect people's time, to be timely, and all of that. But speaking of being timely, chelsea, we can go on and on and on and I'm like, oh my gosh, we have to start wrapping up here, because you have just given so much great insight, and I know that there is somebody today that is. I wrote down so much, chelsea. I literally have two pages of my notes here, back and forth all of your little things here, because there's so much that you spoke to me. So thank you for pouring into me and I know that you have poured into so many as well.
Speaker 1:But as we start to wrap up, I do, I always like to, you know, connect with my listeners, or connect with my guests and have my listeners connect with you. So I like to ask a couple of, like, fun questions. So the first is just tell us a little thing that brings Chelsea joy. What is that? One thing that, in the middle of the chaos and the overwhelm and all of that, that if you stop for a moment and you can do this one thing that's just going to put a big smile on your face.
Speaker 2:You got a cup of coffee. I, I love my coffee, I you know. Or like I'm like all right, everybody in the car, we're going to go grab some coffee. Or like, um, you know, and I have a big chocolate tooth. I don't like candy, but you better believe there's always chocolate available at my house.
Speaker 1:I love it. I love it. Um, now, this is a big one. We want to give our listeners some resources that can help them just with this topic of, you know, maybe overwhelm, setting boundaries, us women that carry the mental load. So what is a book? One that you would recommend to the listeners on this topic, and then just a fun book that you would recommend, as Chelsea, as you know I know we kind of talked about this a little bit you love fantasy, so I want you to give a couple of book recs to the listeners.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so I'll start with this one. It's called Setting Boundaries Finding Peace, by Nedra Glover Tawwab. I'm hoping I'm saying the last part right. She's kind of like the launching point for me of like just even understanding boundaries, understanding boundaries that were like for myself, um, so I think, like you know, she kind of does a really good deep dive for for you as an individual, I think, especially like setting boundaries with family members, setting boundaries, like you know, with colleagues and co-workers and so and that's where I kind of took it and was like, how do I do it for kids? And then anything, um, by Dan Siegel and Tia Payne Brayson.
Speaker 2:The biggest reason I recommend this is because it gives insight into what is happening for your kids and their brain development, because a lot of expectations my child is having a tantrum. If they're having a tantrum now, they're going to have a tantrum in 10 years and in 20 years, and then we operate like we think we're talking to a 23 year old, not a three year old, and so they give really good insight and and explain things very well of like what is actually happening in your kid's brain, and then it gives us that understanding of like when they're throwing the tantrum. Okay, that's what's going on. And how do I then come in and help manage it? So that way you know I'm being more helpful. And then I love Brene Brown. Anything by Brene Brown I'm like give it to me. I, you know, love all of her books and so I think she's also. If we really struggle with guilt and shame, that's literally her area of like invulnerability. She is the queen of that.
Speaker 2:And so if that's like where, you're like like I really think I struggle with that kind of aspect should be a great resource, awesome. And then you're like just love of books, ref was, oh, right now. I mean it's like the hot topic is, you know, I love fourth wing series, um, you know, and the ACOTAR series I get, you know, they're always on like my rereads. I will always like listen to them. Um, you know, gotta love, gotta love dragons, and just like a nice break from like reality of like okay, like I can go into like a totally different world and like see all the world building and stuff. So those are definitely my jams, oh, so fun.
Speaker 1:It's always nice to like escape through books, right? I just, I love that no-transcript.
Speaker 2:Like the biggest place you can find me, I kind of a little bit on Facebook, a little bit on TikTok, but, like Instagram is like it's just my home, it's my people Like, and so, um, are you finding a mind and heart therapist? Um, and then in like my link over there. I definitely have resources. I have a couple of guides like how to manage your mornings, like and how to have realistic expectations for your morning routine, to like set yourself up for a really good day with your kids. Um, how to hold your boundaries right, cause it's well, you can set them all day long, but how do you hold them. I also have a quick guide, um, of just like how to set boundaries and how to set external like I'm going to tell you my boundaries versus maybe you are not a person that's going to even respect it. So how do I internally set my boundary? And just to kind of know, like, how to do it, how to go about it, how to kind of present it to family members who may not respect your boundaries at all. And then I just came out with a it's a presentation and PDF of like three steps to repair with your kids, because I tell parents like you are not going to. You're going to mess up, like, let's accept that now you're going to mess up. So this is how we break those generational cycles of how do I?
Speaker 2:It's basically like an apology on steroids, but what it does is it really engages the healthy dynamic of me taking ownership, me asking them like you know, this is what I had served. I apologize, how can I, you help me, how can I do better? Cause then it's modeling for them and getting their little brain working up. Oh, mom got really angry. This is what I would have liked her to do. So now I know that. But also they're hearing themselves say it as well.
Speaker 1:That's great. So many great resources. Um, I can't now all of this stuff too. Y'all will be in the show notes, so I'm going to put her website and all of this information in the website so you guys can connect with Chelsea. Um, and another thing that I want to add I have a lot of local listeners, so Chelsea is a local in San Dimas, right, chelsea, san Dimas, california. So if you are looking for a therapist in the San Dimas area, you can definitely connect with Chelsea. She would be a great local resource.
Speaker 1:So, anyhow, if today's conversation, today's episode, just really resonated with you, be sure to connect with Chelsea. If you're looking for a local therapist, again, you have a great one right here with Chelsea, and I want to again. Thank you so much, chelsea. Like I think we're gonna have to bring you back again on the podcast, because I can go on and on forever and I feel like this was a therapy session for me. Honestly, thank you. Y'all got an insight of a therapy session with um for for me here. So, um, but if this episode did resonate with you, go and share it with a friend, help a girlfriend out and pass this information on to her. Continue to support each other and really learn to find that balance, so that you can have joy in your daily life and just don't ever stop chasing joy. See you next time. Thank you, bye.